I’m so lonely and confused about where to go from here. I had started chanting (Nam myoho renge kyo) and although I can’t stick to routines, it really cured me of feeling suicidal and I don’t have that drive anymore. But I don’t know what to do. My life is so empty without my best friend around. I love him more than anything in the universe, more than words could ever express, and he doesn’t feel it because a) I’m fat, b) I’m an introvert, and c) I’ve been living as a guy. I told him that being fat is really an advantage in that I could stop testosterone and everything I’ve done over the past year would reverse. Not like the skinny girls who can switch their bodies over into permanent male mode with their first T shot. With me being such a fatass, it’ll all go away. And I told him I’d stop taking T for him. But then he also wants someone who’s a SUPER mega extrovert who will go out and party and socialize in large crowds every night of the week… But I think two people don’t have to be the same to be together. I can’t help that I’m not a people person. I’d rather stay in and fuck. I’ve been trying to keep up with him and it’s not enough. Like, I can’t imagine having 50,000 friends for real. We’re not talking facebook, but real life people you know and see and hang with. No, can’t do it. I need my down time. But he can’t be with someone fat or an introvert. It hurts SO DEEPLY when he says he can’t get anyone, because I am someone, and I love him with every fiber of my being and soul and existence. I know once he would start doing tattoos regularly again, then the gold digging hoes and bitches will be fighting over him because they want popularity and to be with the cool guy. I think he mistakes a lot of bullshit for love, and writes off what the real love is as bullshit. The real love is how much I do for him because I love him, and that I’ve lost friends trying to stand up for him, and that I’ll stick by his side and do anything for him. I never thought I’d fall in love with the sexiest man in the world. And to me, he is. But in his experience, when he has been skinny, he is the cool guy that all the skanky bitches fight over, but being bigger, he’s not on the fake bitches’ radar. Yeah, that’s what he thinks is love, when the fake bitches think he’s the popular guy to get with. He almost has two sides, there is Mr. Amazing in there, but it’s the whole superficial party life, cool and popular people-concerned side of him that always wins and takes over. But he rules my world and has a hold on me like no other man on earth ever could. I feel like I’m at home when I have him by my side. And then my life is so miserably empty and lonely without him. I’m so afraid of him ever not being in my life. I’ve never been this close to anyone before ever in my life, not even with family. I’d give my life for 10 minutes of him being mine. I don’t know what else to do. I need him.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
15 comments
disgusting,
We all have faced a similar situations at one time or another, me too! some people are not meant to be tied down to any one person, has nothing to do with your weight, he’s just not right for you in that way, you need to keep searching, keep right on searching, searching till your dreams come true.
I can’t believe that. He’s everything I could want. I don’t expect a man to be exactly like me in personality. I like that he’s crazy and funny because I’m more calm and quiet. I can’t imagine there would be anyone else on earth I could love this deeply. I’ve never loved this deeply before. Sure, I thought I did, but not for someone I actually got to spend time with. I think we would be so great and awesome together. He agrees we are soul mates on some level. But I don’t believe in many loves. I believe in one love.
You know what? I don’t like calling you disgusting. I really really don’t, you may feel that way but I’m not supporting your warped view of yourself, so when I reply to you I’m gonna call you Disguise, Cuz you are disguising something amazing under that unhappiness. So…
Disguise,
Obviously this guy has such a strong hold over you, that happens sometimes. You clearly care a lot about him, but you should be able to be yourself and accepted as yourself by the person you love, because any relationship, platonic or romantic, is about give and take. I think you might be a bit too attached to him, because you seem to spend a lot of time focusing completely on him and his needs. What about you? When do you focus on yourself and your needs? (ok you can argue that he’s a need for you but let’s tab that for a later date) And there is more than one love for people, there’s usually just the One that you define all others by, he seems like the One to you…
I’m not being mean but why don’t you lose weight and look after your appearance if you really want this dude. Anyone can be pretty if they are skinny.
I agree with this-fat largely makes people unattractive. I’ve seen obese people who’ve lost weight and look great after. I went the reverse way-I used to be active and outdoors all the time when I was younger, so I was very fit. Then as I got older I turned into a homebody, barely went out-most of my ‘fun’ was on the computer or tv…or movies with my friends. I gained weight and it’s made a huge difference in how I look and how others see me. I don’t hold it against them-I’m still drawn to fit/attractive people so I should look the same to have them be interested in me.
When I’ve looked at pictures of naked bodybuilders, I realize there is nothing special at all about them-I mean I know some people think muscles are hot, doesn’t do much for me. Plus they usually have small dicks. So it’s all very overrated. The key is for someone to get slim/fit and stay that way, that’s all that’s needed.
Getting big bulky muscles doesn’t add anything in my opinion. But fat is universally unappealing. I’m working to get fit again also…not an easy thing to do when you’re juggling a lot of other things like career and so on but it’s worth it in the end. Plus once you’re fit, no one can ridicule you for being a fat slob.
‘Plus once you’re fit, no one can ridicule you for being a fat slob.’ I hate so much that so many people think people are overweight because they’re lazy or greedy.
I get way more attention since I’ve lost weight. I’m in horrible shape because I can’t exercise, but the weight is still down and it makes a big difference to how people treat me. I was loved by someone when I was getting to my heaviest weight, but not as many people will give larger people a chance.
Losing weight is generally a great thing to do, and can be done through diet as well as exercise. It can lessen physical pain a bit and make you feel healthier and a little less burdened. I don’t really like the idea of someone doing it to get a particular person. You don’t know how he’d react to it, it takes a while, and he should value more than that, although, yes, it might help him see you in a new light.
I completely disagree with this statement- anyone can be pretty if they are skinny. It’s comments like that that feed low-self esteem and eating disorders, that say you have to be X,Y, and Z to be perfect, that if you aren’t you don’t deserve to be loved. LIES. My grandmother and my aunt are both overweight, to the point where I worry about their health, but they are absolutely beautiful. Why? because I love them, they love me, and they are happy and kind and funny and enjoy life. Beauty has very little to do with looks, and is not the same as glamour. If you must feed that propaganda, please do so somewhere else.
I agree. Sometimes I’m interested in people because of their looks, but so often it happens because I love someone. Or their beauty (in my eyes) grows from their words, smile, mannerisms, eyes.
Yeah exactly. For the record I had a back injury and couldn’t walk for almost a year and in that time I gained most of my weight. After much PT, or rather, being forced to run around like a healthy person, I can barely hobble around and I’m in excrutiating pain all of the time. Muscle relaxers, pain killers, doesn’t do shit. Try “working on it” when you’re practically a cripple. I didn’t fucking ask for this. If I had never had the back injury, I could whip myself into shape just like anyone else.
Firstly, keep on with the chanting, because you’ll probably continue to feel better if you can stick with it more and more often. That’s so great that you’ve been less suicidal recently.
So, it sounds like you’ve been talking about the possibility of being together? Is it your living as a male that’s holding him back? I don’t know if he’ll see it this way, but it sounds like you could be the perfect remedy to how he feels about losing popularity with the women who are only after his looks. The introvert/extrovert problem might not be such a problem. It could cause issues or it could mean you’re a perfect match. Do you know that your weight’s an issue for him, or do you just think that because he’s been with thin women in the past?
Yeah he is only interested in super skinny tiny girls but I think it’s because he feels like he has to prove something to society by getting a perfect 10, and to feel like he’s worthy. We are very close, the closest friend I’ve ever had. I think if he would just give it a chance and not use my looks or any given personality difference as an excuse, I think I could show him how good it can be. But looks and what other people think matters to him the most.
I hate to say it but I don’t think there’s much you can do. I hope he gives you that chance.
Re the back injury, I feel terrible for saying this because I really, really don’t want to belittle the agony you experience with it – I just wanted to say, my dad has chronic pain and also put on his weight when he couldn’t be active anymore. He’s lost just a bit so far. It was quite slow but he’s noticing a lot of difference from it.
He should get over that eventually, at some point the majority of people (or maybe I’m just hopeful) do realize that the shallow things aren’t really that important, but they realize it at different points… I’m out of advice for you doll, sorry (beyond searching elsewhere, even temporarily, for someone who’ll completely accept you, which I’m sure you won’t consider so :/ )
Idk wtf everyone else is talking about but ur seriously considering stopping ur tranision, to become ur true self, for this one guy??! (And yes, this is coming from a straight male.) If he’s not attracted to ur true self then he’s NOT the one for u. I mean, ud rather be someone else, a character, just to make this guy happy and possibly want to date u?? Close ur eyes and remember why u started ur transition. Now imagine urself in bed with this guy and knowing u gave up ur true self just so he would fuck u and then say how much he loves u…and knowing the whole time that what he loves is fake, not the real u. That, imo, is what would truly be disgusting.
Yes… I think he might have to change things about himself to make it work, rather than you change things about yourself.