Beauty of neutrality

Well, hello everyone..

I haven’t written on a site like this before but tonight I needed to tell someone, anyone before I explode. Just as an over view I’m an 18 year old in the grey as hell country of England on the south coast somewhere..

I have always been treated for one kind of mental health issue or another. My mom had me put through Dragonflies which is a kind of bereavement councillor when I was in year six so around 10 / 11 years old, I think she was hoping I was just sad when my grandad passed. Don’t get me wrong I was but that’s when people started to notice something wasn’t right. When I was getting picked up on for not expressing my feelings I switched to the other extreme and the only emotion I had was anger, and I let it loose full force.

It peaked when I was in year 8, around 13 years old, I was in a fight Monday, isolation Tuesday (a type of punishment in my school – you sat in a chair facing the wall in silence for an entire school day with no breaks except an escorted toilet break) moody behaviour Wednesday then another fight come Thursday. They were always with guys too, considering I’m a girl it baffled my parents why it was always guys… I couldn’t tell them tbh

Anyway at this point I was put in a 1-1 anger management programme where he made me talk about what made me angry and nine times out of ten I couldn’t answer him, then one day I cracked and cried for the first time in a year. Then there was no going back, mood plummeted and it all went to shit. By this point I had argued with my mum beyond hope and moved in with my dad and step mum. I had to leave my little brother there, with our mother, who couldn’t be a parent if her life depended on it. Hes 17 now and bordering on anorexic and because social services messed up a year back I can’t do anything to help him apart from force myself round there every other weekend and try and take care of him. But now I can’t, I can’t take care of myself how am I meant to help him? I have always taken care of him. Our parents divorced when I was three, I learned to cook at 8, iron by 10 and could use the washing machine by 11. I took care of us but now I’m failing him.

I went to the doctors when my mood started to affect my college attendance, i couldnt get up in the mornings. They assessed me and concluded i was suffering with a stress induced sleeping disturbance, i was pulled out of one of my courses and managed to scrape through my second year. I had to go back for a third year bacause my grades werent good enough. Then i found i wasnt getting up, my motivation was gone and my sleeping patterns were which usually sparatic at best were now bordering on non existent with periods of insomnia and others where i wouldnt wake up for an entire day and i found that i really didnt care but my tutor in college began to get concerned and told me to go to the doctor again and see whether there was anything they could do about my sleeping disorder.
So I went to the doctors not long ago, explained the situation and she began to get thoughtful and she got me to do some tests, when I saw the questions I knew what the doctor was getting at “do you have little enjoyment” “how much would you say you think the world would be better” she was quiet when I handed it back to her, before telling my I was suffering from depression and anxiety not one or the other, not one with a little of the other. Both. She said i was petrified of failing my brother, my parents and college which was causing me stress and leading to a sleeping disorder. She said it would be hard, a never ending circle, dont sleep feel crap get stressed dont sleep and so on.. Then there is the typical love life drama. I knoe i am only 18 and i hope to god i fall in love again but heres the basics;

When I was 14 I met a guy, I’ll call him A for the purpose of this, and he seemed like a nice guy and he is, in some ways. We got together when I was 15 and had a messy relationship up until The month before my 18th birthday, ten months ago from when I wrote this. Without sounding bias i wasnt actually ever in the wrong as such, just my reations tended to get worse. He spoke to other girls inappropriately and I found out and we argued and split then got back together and he broke up with me randomly that only lasted a month then got back together and split again, as a brief overview the details of the hellish part of that relationship are my burdens to bare.. Point is I loved him more than anything and I still care about his happiness. I’m going to be honest now and I need you to not judge me before i have explained

We were at a house party and he was getting with some girl then it was time for us to all crash, it was some distance from our home so we were staying with friends. They went to bed together on the floor of the living room and started doing stuff (i found out he refused sex with the girl because he didnt have protection – told you he was ok occasionally) so the first guy that basically tried anything with me, I let him. And it went furthur than I would have let in my right mind, it was safe etc but i couldnt believe id done it. I spoke to him the next day and explained it was out of character and I don’t want that kind of reputation for myself but I feel sick constantly at the thought that I’m nothing to A. I understand he doesn’t love me anymore which is okay, things change, but the thought I’d allow myself to throw away what I believe to prove some kind of point, I’m just disappointed with myself.
Anyway now i hear he has had two close one night stands and he wont tell us, or well me, who the other one was. From how it sounds he hasnt had sex since me (something i can no longer claim, not that im exactly happy about it) but it bugs me that we havent got that close friendship anymore, he was a jerk most of the time but when he was lovely he couldnt be faulted.

Now my main issue is i cant care about anything. Its like a numbness has swept over me and i cant even get angry. Which for me is strange becausei wore my anger like body armour and used sarcasm like a sword but now i just cant be bothered to even try. So i cry and fall further. Not being funny but i have hit rock bottom twice and it feels like im sinking further than that but I don’t feel anything really. So at the moment i just paint a smile on my face for the world but hate the fact the one person that can see through that knows me better than myself (he constantly points out my little mannerisms to support when he says he knows something isnt right) doesn’t attempt to really see the chaos that is inside while acknowledging its there, a chaotic neutrality that hides the fact i feel like im dying , soffocting in a world that i really dont care about

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am just a little bit lost in a big world that i cant even attempt to make sense of, not that i can be bothered that is