I haven’t been here in almost a year. I had lost my family and just could not cope. I got lucky and saved my marriage, kept my family together. I was instantly ok again. Well, it didnt last. I guess I have issues. I fucked it up again. This time there’s no fixing it. Now I see why suicides peak around the holidays. The thought of missing my family at all, let alone for Xmas, is terrible. Ive pretty much made up my mind. I dont even care about the method anymore. Im just worried about what happens to the dog, who gets what stuff, and how to say goodbye without giving it away. Honestly I’d probably do it without tying up loose ends anyway. If I didnt feel too paralyzed to get out of bed I’d be gone already. I dont plan on changing my mind. I feel zero sadness at the thought of death. Relief if anything. I just need to vent because we all know we cant talk about it to people we know. And the one person I’d talk to is gone.
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Well OK, you’re history. You’re taking the night train to Memphis. How did you fuck up? Sex? Drugs? Someone has you on tape praising Donald Trump?
And now you are going to lose your family? Except the dog? Sorry you’re here to vent not be interrogated.
Anger. Yelling. Fighting. Leaving home every weekend and getting drunk fishing. Doesnt much matter. And actually, only my wife and her son left. Im here with my daughter and the dog. I know my daughter will go to her moms. I have a lot of worry for after im gone. Which is stupid. It wont be my problem anymore.
Do you still respect your wife? Love her? Get along with her son? Or are y’all shopping for divorce lawyers already?
Would you give up drinking? Fishing?
I had anger issues once. I was more sour than angry, but it’s still an excellent way of making everyone miserable. I spent all my time listing all the people that had hurt me. It was a long, stupid list. Gave it up when I realized I was spending more energy on that than raising my son.
You have some extra crap going on that’s making it hard to cope? Mother-in-Law living with you? Back taxes? Your daughter running with a bad crowd?
I’ll shut up if you want.
I love her dearly. But I disrespect her a lot. She changed her number and has made no contact. Our elephant in the room is mental illness. She has a few severe personality disorders, and my reaction to them has me strongly suspicious that I am a narcissist. Prognosis for both of us is grim, as it is for any chance of reconciliation. We fought for 5 years to win a custody battle for her son, and to get away from me, I think she gave him back, because the final order locked her into our address. I think we are pretty well fucked.