It’s been a while but sadly i’m back here, anonymously telling the world my thoughts.
I made it a good two months through school without cutting. But i’m starting to act up again. Less than a month away till exams and as usual I can’t cope with the stress in my life. Everyday for the past 6 years I have thought about killing myself. Not once have i had a day of a peaceful mind. But it times like this, when i’m under to much stress that I can’t just push away these thoughts. Its times like this i sit on my bed starting at my drawer where i keep my knife. This is my last year of school and i told myself i would make time to have fun, not just sit around all day stressfully doing homework. But no. Back to the same old same old.
I’ve grazed my skin a few times, leaving light scratches. I find this pathetic. Its like every time i do it i’m just prolonging the inevitable. It feels like i won’t be able to shake off these horrible thoughts till i make a good cut. But i know it feel good for just a few moments. Then i’ll be left with just another regretful scar that i have to mindful of. I already have so many regrets already. This is just making it worse.
I am drowning. I am suffocating. This is how i feel every day. I have been stuck in this mindset for way to long. Will there ever be day where i am happy? When i can truly say i’m glad i didn’t quit, i’m glad i just didn’t end it. Will that day ever come or is there no light at the end of the tunnel?
I just want to close my eyes, fall asleep and never wake up. Maybe I can be happy in my dreams.
23 comments
Cutting is an addiction. I totally get it. When I rip apart my fingers they drain all my anxiety out of them. I can’t describe it and it is humiliating and awful and I love how it feels. Is that sick? Sure it’s sick. I’m struggling today not to tear them apart. It is embarrassing.
Sometimes talking about it makes it better sometimes talking about it makes me fantasize about it. So I’m in the same boat as you. However I’m listening if you want to talk.
I shouldn’t be commenting. I just fell off the wagon 2 hours ago, after 3 weeks of being self-harm free. Free because I was studying for exams. Just got news that I passed my 5th year of medical school, and the first thing I do to celebrate is pull out my blade. Talk about sick. I dont know what’s my triggers anymore when even the good news makes me do this. Im fucked up I guess.
@Ylem: Welcome to fucked upville. I have no idea either.
Fucked upville doesnt look too good to me Hazy. I need a way out
Hmmm…lets see. You are smart since you passed your 5th year so the obvious platitudes won’t do any good. Let me ask you this. What is wrong with cutting aside from the fact society doesn’t approve of it?
The reason I want to stop is because of society. Im dreading the moment my family and few friends finally realise Ive been doing this to myself. But, it helps me feel something. It makes me feel alive, human, in a way. My family would never understand that SH has actually kept me from ending my life so many times.
What’s wrong with it? There are other coping skills one can adopt that are not harmful to oneself. I just never found them. Its self-destructive. Does more harm than good… Blah blah blah.
Fuck! Im pro-SH. I need more cons other than society to actually leave fucked upville. Otherwise, I wont stop this until I end my life for good.
See I’m Pro harm reduction. I don’t see a problem with it if it help to work out issues. Many people work through cutting and come out the other end in decent shape. If it keeps you from taking a dirt nap then what is that problem.
Societies constructs. Pah. Fuck society.
Yeah, fuck society…
why is it okay for me to go out and pierce every part of my body or get tatooed but cutting is wrong? Is it because society says it is wrong? Am I hurting anyone by tearing my hands apart, I am not. does it make me feel better? Fuck yes. Why do I feel bad about it? Because society says I should.
@Hazy Day Sunflower: Ive only ever told one person that I self-harm, and that was a few months ago. They reacted the same way you just did. I wont see him till next year though.
I dont see a similar reaction from my family. Im holding out telling them for a while, until Im ready.
🙂
Also, I want a tattoo. Im getting one. They will just have to deal with it.
You know there is a segment of humanity that self harm as ritual. They see no issue with it. As far as Tats…I say if it fill a need then do it. I am here only once on this planet and I am so sick of not doing what is going to make me a whole fulfilled person. If camping, or swimming, or raising fucking chicken….collecting bizarre porcelain figurines…completes me as a human in this world then I am going to do it. I’m leaving people behind doing this this year, and it is breaking my heart, leaving people behind. So I leave a little of my heart with them as I make this journey alone.
I have 14 piercings and 3 tattoos and am a serious cutter. Someone found out I was cutting again the other day (bled through my jacket) all I got was a shocked reaction and how horrible it was. I can’t afford anymore tattoos or piercings so I do this.
Is it wrong that I’m okay with you doing that? I’d be okay with anyone in my life doing that if it allowed them some measure of comfort. I’d insist on keeping it clean and bandaged up so they didn’t get an infection. In the end, it is my life, it is your life. I accept everyone in my life as they come, broken, fixed or douchebag. In the end it isn’t about me, it is about the people around me, their happiness. Because what a person does makes another person uncomfortable for some reason doesn’t give them a right to not support them. What they should do is find out why this makes the person feel better and support where they are in their growth.
Fuck wouldn’t the world be awesome if we just met eachother where the other is in our life journey?
Im planning on ending it. My life. But, I have things I want to do. I made a bucketlist. Get a tattoo, skydive and hope I survive, get my medical degree and practise for a while just so I can better the lives of my family. They have put in a lot on me. They deserve something back. I’m not trying to be selfish. I want to have control of my life. Cant I be allowed to decide when I actually want to leave this world?
There’s still a lot more on my list and I want to do it all. Hurting myself helps me get through yet another day.
So yeah, fuck the world. Im finishing my bucketlist.
Here’s to both you and me finishing our bucket list. The interesting thing about a bucket list is I can keep adding to it…so it is similar to one of those chocolate fountains, seeming never ending chocolate, which I know is just an illusion but man it tastes so good.
Oh, and by the way Hazy, once in a while my parents pull in an herbalist into our home to do some ritual that is to strengthen and protect us. Guess what they do? They cut our scalp, chest, lower abdomen, back of the wrist and knees. I never say it, but I enjoy that part most of all. We’ve done it 2 times this year already.
Exactly what I was talking about earlier See why is that socially acceptable? Is it because it is being done by a fucking herbalist who is stating that the bad mojo leaves with the cleansing…
I would challenge anyone who has not self harmed to attempt to understand that in many ways what you and I do is a type of cleansing. It just isn’t their kind of cleansing.
Ylem: I’m about ready to pass out, guess the handful of bendryl is finally kicking in. Stay safe, if only for tonight. Good Night.
I never thought about it until now. Until you mentioned it. All of a sudden, I dont feel bad at all about hurting myself. I am cleansing myself of the numbness and emptiness, and bringing myself back to reality. Thats how I will explain it to my family when I decide to tell them, or if they find out…
Goodnight Hazy, it’s morning for me already… Enjoy Thanksgiving.
Is a piece of comfort in this world worht a scar that you hold until the very end ?
I confort my self with a tought that every day could be worse. Right ?
The scar for me is a reminder that I made it through again and survived. If not a scar, then it’ll be death. So…
I hope you are all still here, and working to check things off your bucket lists! I think I should try making one as well.