First of, I’m new to this I came across this when I was looking for easy ways to die. I see myself as pretty messed up in the head. I had a mental breakdown when I was 17 after suffering horrific abuse and exposure..I was sectioned and before that was told by a nurse that if I had fallen asleep I would of died. I’ve always felt that no one cares about me as I’ve had my own mum tell me I was a mistake and my own nan has told me I was a 2 minute wonder baby. My depression is clinical and can be my worst nightmare when I have dreams if myself hanging and slicing my arms and jumping off my own roof whilst having the people who have damaged me the most try and talk me down. I have done 3 over doses and the first one seriously messed me up as it made me forget a lot of things just not my abuse and now I suffer from memory loss but only little things. When I went to hospital to get help I didn’t actually get much help because they couldn’t give me medication and I had no means of getting home so the hospital refused to send me home due to funds which is understandable but I went to the hospital alone because my mum wasn’t willing to support me and simply said “See you tomorrow” she was far too busy watching tv, this was also when I came out of a very controlling relationship and my depression was so bad I was tempted to overdose again, I’ve already been warned how the damage it has already done to me. When I feel low and depressed I sit and daydream how I can die because the ways I have done it doesn’t seem to work and I don’t believe someone in the heavens would stop me from dying when I feel that I’m in so much pain that I see myself strapped down with chains it’s that bad it makes me panic to the point I struggle to breathe. Some days I feel so bad that I’m tempted to take all the pills in the house but I try and fight it with what will power I have left. And yet I’m only 21 and have such a big life ahead of me and all I see is darkness surrounding me and there’s no escape. I’m being sent off to be assessed for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which could actually be making my depression a living hell. I may be young but I don’t know what I can do anymore i just don’t want to give up as I know what remaining non fake friends I have will be so disappointed that yet again I gave up on myself. I am taking medication to which I was refusing to take because I don’t see why medication should help me brush it under the carpet but non the less I have taken it and I’m taking 100mg Serterline which works with BPD, Anxiety, Depression and other things. I just wish I could be okay. But I don’t think I ever will and it sucks that I have no family only my mum who barely talks to me because she has no idea how to help me. I wish I didn’t exist so I wouldn’t cause pain to those who love me, if they love me.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
6 comments
Hey Cat, welcome to SP. Y’know there is a difference between brushing your issues under the carpet and making your issues your defining attribute. If all you do is dwell on death and misery then everything you see starts looking like death and misery. So give the meds a chance. Maybe, after a bit, there will be space in your head for some hope and perspective.
You certainly don’t sound like someone that wants to give in to the cruel shit you have faced. So take your meds, keep fighting, and work with the doctors and counselors to understand what kind of mental health problems you have and what you need to do to get some stability in your life.
None of this is guaranteed to get you better. Nobody can say with 100% certainty that a particular drug or therapy program will solve your problems. But I can say for sure if you don’t do anything then things aren’t going to change.
Keep us updated on how you are doing, OK?
Thank you!. It just feels like I’m alone in this and that people don’t understand when I reality they do I just don’t want them seeing me a huge mess. I’m seeing my physiologist on the 10th and I’m going to talk to her and see what she suggests me to do. When I struggle the most I just lay in bed for days without speaking to anyone. But this really has helped. Thank you SeeSmith.
NP.
Hey. Let go of worrying if people percieve you as a mess. It’s OK to be a mess! Sometimes life is a shit sandwich. NOBODY looks good eating a shit sandwich! Yet we ALL have to do that sometimes.
People that are cool or smart or wise will look at you and be more concerned if you are getting the tools you need to cope with life. Looking a mess because you’ve had crappy things happen to you is totally expected.
So chill… but pay attention when the pros talk.
Peace be with you.
You’re right, I just hide behind fake smiles and I’m scared that I’ll scare people away because they always leave. Peace be with you too! 🙂
Hiya Cat. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been given enough help so far. It also sounds like you might be getting some better help in the near future, which is great. I’m sorry your mum doesn’t understand your problems. I know how hard it is to fight thoughts of suicide when they became constant and they’re that overwhelming. But given that you’ve made it this far, I hope you keep fighting. You have that willpower inside you and hopefully when you see them on the 10th they’ll give you some helpful suggestions. Good luck with everything. 🙂
Hi Trix, Thank you so much. It helps me a lot when someone understands. I try my best to not give up and I fight most times or hide away in my room sleeping but it does somewhat help. My mum has never been a big fan of my depression or the new coming BPD but she tries in her own way by tolerating me. To be honest I’m amazed I’m still here. Once again thank you.