Life: the curse of the good

Is it just me orr what? I live life as the most friendliest person ever. Not because I think I should, but because I generally believe that being nice is worth so much more than being a rude inconsiderate individual. Being nice honestly hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life. People just seem to generally dislike me. I can’t tell you how many times people have tried to fight me, over just being a cool person to them. I’m not ugly, or shallow or prude. Everyone says I’m really good looking, but looks honesty don’t matter. I feel like if I wasn’t good looking, it might be easier to meet new people, or have someone actually hit me up for once to hang out. Life is so darn lonely, when all you do is try, and are constantly let down. When I was on my anxiety/depression medication all it did was make me not fear suicide, I lost a lot of friends, relationships, family..so I stopped talkin it and honestly I’m doing better. I decided that I no longer need the approval of others or the friendships and relationships I once craved. Instead I’m focusing more on what I love and like to do. Which is generally playing hockey on my PS4, working 9 hour shifts every day and drinking a single 32 ounce beer at the bar after work. I’m not starting to become a paramedic because it makes me feel accomplished with my life even though all the horrible things I see day to day doing so. It makes me believe I matter even if no one is willing to make me matter to them. I’m not gonna lie I’m terrible with woman: when it comes to my anxiety, it always gets the best of me, and I’ve kind of just realized it’s better to not even try anymore. Literally heartbreak drives me insane and if rather be a 44 year old man living by himself then a 24 year old kid killing himself over the need to be wanted and loved. It took me over 8 years to realize this and I want to just let everyone out there who is feeling down about the same struggles, is that you’re not alone. But we can no longer depend on the satisfaction of others accepting us to accept ourselves <3