No I’m not your son and I’m not a total car guru and whatever works for your bipolar episodes doesnt always work for me and you pick on me all the fucking time and I already know, ok, I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW I’M THE WORLD’S GREATEST PIECE OF SHIT FOR A DAUGHTER SO PLEASE, PLEASE JUST KEEP RUBBING IT IN. I know I forget and I am not always home and I’m SO SO SO SORRY!! I don’t know how to be the child you want, ok?I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW. And I just try to get away from you because I don’t know who you want. And I’ve tried to fit into so may molds- and I don’t know. You say you love me and you’re proud of me- so it must be true, but fuck you don’t show it very well. I’m so sorry I forgot- I’m so sorry I’m not your perfect son and I don’t always want to be filthy dirty and I don’t want the family business and I have a life outside of ours at home and I tried for so FUCKING LONG but I never seem to get it. This is why I should’ve killed myself- so I woulnd’t get un the way. I know I do, you remind me of it. My room could turn into your model airplane room and the bills would go down and you woulnd’t have to deal with your bipolar fuck up of a daughter anymore. I’m never going to be good enough, am I? And it’s all my fault- I forget and I seem like I don’t care and I didn’t mean it and I’m so sorry dad. I’m sobbing on my keyboard and I’m so sorry I am not who you wanted.
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You don’t need to be good enough for anyone. You’re good the way you are.
Love, please try using your username as an example. Actually, try to take a few of them, ok?
You are brilliant, and you have so much light. And we are lucky when you share it with us. You are absolutely lovely as is, manic episodes, mood swings, and all.
You already surpass the ‘good enough’ label, promise.
It’s just…
He suffers from the same thing you do. And you know it’s not stable.
You can’t fit a mold that changes based on mood. And it shouldn’t be expected of you, the only thing you should fit is that image of yourself you want to keep, because it will make You happy. You have no reason to apologize for being you. Or for having bipolar, as it was inherited.
You don’t get in the way. And you are entitled to your own life, your own space. None of the problems in your family or with you are your fault at all.
I’m sending you a bunch of virtual hugs and a couple of starfish. You already have starlight in you, so it’s the next best thing.
@TaDB: it seems to be the day for us bi-polars to have breakdowns. I could have written that post 20 years ago. I walked away. Way WAY away. You are doing your best. Keep moving forward and I promise not to take a dirt nap in your honor.
@TaDB: it seems to be the day for us bi-polars to have breakdowns. I could have written that post 20 years ago. I walked away. Way WAY away. You are doing your best. Keep moving forward and I promise not to take a dirt nap in your honor.
Oh look at that, even wordpress is so amped up it’s acting manic.
It’s just he is a good father… sometimes. He says he loves me etc and then I am always the source of his jokes and his anger at I din’t know what to make of it. I asked him a while back if I could work for him in his personal business- he said yes, but we have terrible communucation skills. And I’m super forgetful and basiclly the entire arrangement has fallen apart and it’s my fault- but he will be angry for a ling time, and i hate dissappointing him, and I am ranting- yeah it’s a brakdwon kinda day. And (lol) I was stupid enough to put my favorite jeans on right after cutting so I now have a bazillion little red lines up and down my pants. He will freak when he sees that too…
He doesn’t need to see that TaDB. Just change into something black. There is no need to add fuel to the already blazing fire of your mind.
I’m never going to be good enough Hazy…. I’v tried so hard for him
@TaDB: when I used to defend my mother with “but she is a good mother” I knew she was pretty darn shitty. I’m sorry to point out that he doesn’t sound like he is winning any parenting awards, I don’t think he is on the level of HDS megalomaniac mother level, but he’s pretty far up there in douchebag territory.
I will state this again: a parent’s job it to support their child, any way they are capable. He is breaking his parent contract with you by ridiculing you and making fun of your mental illness.
@TaDB: It isn’t about him though, it is about you. You need to be good enough for you. I’ll never see eye to eye with the bag of crazy that raised me, it took me 42 years to finally just come to terms that I am my own best parent. I’m a little abusive at times and my internal dialogue tends to be egocentric, but I’m a far better parent than she ever was. And because of this I am able to raise my children and only have a complete breakdown about 1 time a month. But you know what TaDB? This is the first time I knew I had people to catch me, people who wouldn’t scorn me or agree that I am about the worst parent in the world. People that honesty are pretty terrific.
You are one of those people TaDB, a very important person to me, cause we manic sistahs gotta stick together!
@HDS my ultimate fear is growing up and being exactly like him. lol “HDS megalomaniac mother level” is sooo not a thing. You would be (and are) a bomb ass mom for your info. I know I let him down because I’ve forgotten to do so much… but he’s also never made a point to make time to stay with me for lunch etc. so I… idk. My mom’s thinking about divorce, but I dont see that ever happening. I mean, he could be worse. He’s only threatened to punch me, and he’s only ever been verbally abusive (at times) and he’s told me multiple times that he wished he had a son, but he could be worse. But I could also be better.
And you are a very important figure to me too, my manic sistah 🙂 Ha we gotta keep our crazy on a mildly understandable level somehow!
@TaDB: HAHAH, I’m not the megolomaniac….my mother is.. That was worded really poorly. What I meant to say was your father isn’t on the level of MY megolomaniac mother…hahah.
However now that I read that last paragraph you posted, I’m thinking maybe he really is as awful as my mother. You need to go reread that my friend. “He’s only threatened to hit me once…” OMG. This is your father, the person who is supposed to protect you. He has broken that vital trust. If there is any way you can leave, you should try to.
Says the idiot living with the guy who is about the worse troll on planet earth both to the world and to his wife.
Ha I knew it! There was nooo way in Hell you are the megolomaniac so I am glad ya cleared that one up. Yeah it was last year- I was going through an extremely difficult summer and I was slacking on a job he wanted me to do and told me that if I was his son he would’ve beaten the shit out of me. Tbh it’s quite terrifying to have a 6’4 man threaten to beat the shit out of you- I think that was actually the day when my cutting started up again. My mom wants a divorce I think… however, because he is bipolar, he switches between nice dad and asshole dad.
@TaDB: maybe he can be “lithium dad”. a new class of superhero.
Ha a new class of assholistic supervillan more like it
It honestly doesn’t matter what family thinks. You’re your own individual. Be you, don’t care about their reactions. Try to move out if you can, at least then you can live your life without dealing with drama. Remember, you’re an adult, not a child, so you’re entitled to being independent and not having to answer to your folks for your decisions.
It’s not you, its him. And I’m not being trite.
Whether you are a son or daughter there is usually a time in your early childhood that when Dad wants to do something you go OK! and it’s not so much centered around getting anything done but more like sharing time together. And it’s usually fun.
Then you get older and you can understand instructions and you have some coordination and your Dad forgets to ask you if what you are doing together is what *you* want to do. Instead he treats you like a tool, an extension of his will. It sucks because you are losing interest. It’s nice because he’s happy to be working with you.
And then you get older and it all turns to shit. Dad expects you to do even more. You hate whateverthefuck it is you are doing. When you say no he withholds love from you. You hide or avoid him just so you don’t have to give him a yes or no answer. The slightest criticism from him signals he is going to withhold love and attention. Talking to him about anything makes you crazy.
Or it could be something different?
Sorry you feel disconnected from your dad.
@SeeSmith: You sir have hit the nail on the head. It is quite similar to that- as time goes on his demands get longer and harder to do, and it’s sad that now I know he just wanted me for his extra helper. He offered to pay me, but our time schedules never hooked up and then he got mad about me never being home. So that kinda fell through the floor. I literally do hide in my room, waiting for him to storm in and say something. I don’t know whatthefuck he could say in any given moment, but he’d find something.
He tries to be a good father- I think. He does tell me he loves me and that he is proud of me… but then I am also not the perfect son of his dreams 🙁 And then he brags about me to his friends, but he comes home and picks on my mom and I and complains about his day… maybe I’m just overreacting…
Sad truth about life: most parents (not all) are NEVER… EVER f*cking satisfied. If you climb mount everest after years of training, they’ll find a bigger mountain for you to climb. If you cure cancer, they’ll create a new disease and tell you: what, cancer? pfff could have done it myself. If you destroy humankind they’ll say: “what, you couldn’t deal with the whole galaxy? worthless”.
You have to do stuff for yourself, not for other’s opinion. Is it easy to reach that point? nope, but it’s not impossible. Plus, eventually you might find people that does appreciate your efforts. God knows i haven’t found them around here, but heck… until (if) i do, i have to be enough for myself.
My relationship with my mom is still really, really horrible. I always try to honor her anyway, even though she let those things happen to me. I don’t want to disrespect her, but I always do when I make my own decisions (never on purpose, but still). I always tell myself she’s a human, too.
And my dad… No idea where my dad is… probably somewhere in Portugal since he’s Portuguese, but I’m not sure if he’s dead or alive. Bleh… I don’t care about him, but I hate the fact that he wasn’t around for me.
The word dad always makes me sick for many, many reasons. Guess I have some serious daddy issues lol.
No idea how to deal with parents. I agree with nepheliad (perfect comment) that you should be yourself though.
Anyway, just popping up to send you a big hug, lovely TaDB.
Take A deep breath, I don’t know if you remember me, but I was on this site a little while back. I was in a fairly low point in my life. You listened to what I said. You helped me get back on my feet. You are amazing. I’m sorry that your father feels that, but I’m sure he still loves you. If you ever need to talk to someone, I’ll always listen. My email is in my description info thingy. Please email me
@Wanttogiveup: Oh my goodness of course I remember you! I am beyond happy to know I could help you, love 🙂
My email is samhansen@sonic.net btw