I already know I will end my life. However, I am trying to hang on until after my youngest is 18 (in several months). It is getting very difficult to wait. I have everything planned and ready to go.
Each day is harder than the last. My very existence is torturous. I have no one to help me. The doctor trys to help but no medication or therapy has made a difference (over the last 40 years).
Every interaction seems to just take another piece of me. I have no more to give. The tank is finally empty.
I am afraid I won’t be able to survive to my child’s 18th birthday. By the way, my children won’t miss me. There is no one else in my life. All I want for Christmas is to be gone.
7 comments
What makes you sure your children won’t miss you? Have you ever told them what’s happening to you?
I’m so sorry you’ve never been given any help that worked in that time. I’d like to think there is help out there for you, through another doctor or somebody else. You sound confident that you’re going to do this though. But I’m curious about the questions. Why is it you’re trying to wait until their 18th?
I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain.
The 2 older children are aware of my situation. They are angry with me because of it. They think I should just “deal with it”. At this point we just live our separate lives with minimal interaction (their choice not mine). My youngest has a autism. If I wait until he is 18 the legalities of guardianship and disiability benefits will be simpler for those left behind.
The only thing that has helped me is ECT but it comes at the expense of my memory. Frankly, it isn’t worth it. I’m missing huge pieces of my life. The other downside of ECT is that my children are totally against it. They said it ruined me.
I often wonder what I did to bring on all the pain I endure.
I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. It seems like you held on for so long for other people (your kids). What if you tried hanging on for yourself? Nobody but yourself? It sounds like once your children are old enough, you will feel like you’re free from your obligations. So you will be in a new situation in your life. Isn’t it worth giving life a chance? Take one day at a time and like you said, if you have it all planned, you can always die tomorrow right?
I haven’t truly tried hanging on for myself; mainly because I don’t feel worth it. I will keep on with my one day at a time strategy and give more thought to living for myself. I am lacking a support system. All I really have is the doctor. He is available 24/7. I appreciate his availability but it I feel lame that he is the only support I have. People shouldn’t have to pay for all there support. People are suppose to have family and friends.
@dumpling3236, I hope you find some support here. A support system makes a big difference, and if there aren’t friends you can rely on in the real world right now, this is always a place you can come to talk. 🙂
If I could I would sit down next to you and hold your hand and quietly watch tv with you. It may not seem like it but your children do love you, even if they don’t show it. Don’t leave them before at least talking with them about how bad of shape you are in.
They may surprise you.
Thank you Hazy. It is nice know someone is willing to watch tv with me. Actually, it means the world to me.