WHAT DO I SAY NOW? – PART I

What Do I Say Now? PART I

I don’t really know how to go about saying what I need to say to all of the people that I need to say something to. Honestly, how do you say that your sorry for killing yourself to all of those that you love and care about; when it was a truly selfish and self-centered thing to do, but it really was what you wanted at that moment and that you are still somewhat bitter about the fact that it was fucked with and you failed at because someone decided they knew what was in your best interest better than you did and now you are left with the mess that you were trying to escape in the first place, only worse?
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t laughed as much as I have in the last 3 months as I have in the last 24 hours and my man in back in my life but his absence was not the only reason that I was done with it all. This was not my first attempt at my life but by god I am hoping that it was my last. The aftermath of it all was more hell than I think I could ever tolerate again and honestly I think if I did try again I don’t think I would ever be let back out in the real world again. They would most likely have commitment papers drawn up before the ambulance arrived at the hospital.
This time around I apparently succeeded, twice but they managed to bring me back around and after two days in the CCU and two days in the ICU, I was transferred to a normal hospital floor while waiting to be transferred to a psych unit somewhere within a 50-70 mile radius of my home. I knew that if that happened, I may not make it back home, I would not have any visitors, I would not be able to get any of my belongings and I would lose all the few precious things that I had left including my kids that I now had to face due to my fucked up failed attempt.
Getting to them, they are 15 and 18. (The two that live at home with me.) My oldest is 22 and lives 800 miles away and is very successful in life but hates me at the same time because apparently I fucked up her whole life and don’t deserve the time of day.) I don’t know why I thought that my kids would be okay without me as my fifteen year old and I are very co-dependent. We feed off each other in some weird way that is not really healthy but we get by and love each other immensely. My eighteen year old thought that I had become drunk earlier in the year and when we got in a shoving match over the fact he managed to shatter my ankle which required not only two plates and ten screws but almost six months of immobility and a shit ton of pain. He still lives here at home with me, never got in a lick of trouble for it and I will always love him. I understand his fear that fed his anger that caused it all and he will always be my son. It could happen again, and I will still love him for loving me.
So what is the problem you may wonder? (Or maybe you don’t. I have no idea, I’m really writing this for me and not for you as most of us on this site do but I do hold a slight hope that I find an answer or help someone find one for themselves in what I post.) Well, quite a few still remain. One of them is the fact although my man has decided to come back into my life for a number of reasons, it is only for about one more week, physically anyway, before he moves about 1,000 miles away – permanently, and because he wants be sure to make his flight and he knows that if he is here he is in a safe environment and won’t do anything to get himself in a place where he may miss his already paid for, booked, one way, flight out of dodge. He says that it is so that he can get away from a troubled past that will always haunt him, where he can find work, save money, and work on a future for us and then bring me that way with him but that will take eons and what is to stop him from falling into the lap of some other true love and me losing him forever in the meantime? I just got my head and heart completely on the same page with him and determined to spend the rest of my eternity with only him with him or not, as if there is no one else in the world, completely devoted, only to him. Never another soul. I will not ask him to stay, that isn’t right of me. This is his chance, this is his time to make something of himself and make a good life for himself and set his future right. If I were to ask him to stay that would be asking him to give up everything that he has going for him and that, in my opinion, is more selfish than me taking my own life and expecting everyone else to just move on as if I never existed. It’s just wrong. I love him and everyone else in his life more than that. But let me just tell you, my heart is breaking with each passing second of every day that passes as his departure draws closer and closer to this minute. I waiting so long to hear his footsteps coming to our room down the hallway until this morning and soon I will never hear them coming back here to me ever again. My stomach is killing me, my head is pounding, my heart is breaking and I need to just stop writing this for now because I just can’t continue thinking about it today. Only two and a half hours left in the day and I want to spend them memorizing everything about him before he is gone. I finally found love and it is going to test me as if I have never known a single thing in my life and it is going to be the trial of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Nothing