If someone asked me why I want to kill myself, why I want to be dead, what would I say? I don’t have a real reason anymore. I know I can fix things in my life to get better. I have someone helping me figure out my future. I have goals in my life. I want to start a family. I want to write a book. I want to be a teacher. But I also want to kill myself. I don’t know the reason anymore for it. There are small issues in my life, but I’m trying to fix them. I am. I’m trying so hard, but here I am. Wishing I could just end it all.
A few months ago I was fine. I was happy. I didn’t think about hurting myself. Then something switched in my brain. I realized the one person who gave me a hug everyday, the one person who made me think life was worth it, didn’t talk to me anymore. The only way I had contact with them now was if I decided to email them. That’s the problem. I used to see this person almost everyday in high school. And now that I’m in college I never see them.
A few months ago when I realized this, I emailed them. I asked if I could talk to them. Because I was so lost. So lost. I never wanted to go to the university I’m at now. I did it to make others happy. I emailed them, and they answered. They told me that they would always have time for me. And it made me feel special. They have a busy life, and their own family, and their own problems, and they said that they would always have time for me. It made me feel wanted in this life.
The next time they were in town, we weren’t able to have a real conversation about my problems, but they gave me their personal email and told me to try to start the conversation if I could. It took me about two weeks and multiple deleted emails before I actually sent the email. I told them that I didn’t want to be here, that I don’t know what I was doing with my life. And they didn’t respond.
They never answered. For a month.
And then I saw them again. And I was terrified. I thought maybe he got my email and just ignored it. Or, at best, maybe I typed the email address wrong and they never got it.
I went over to them to say hi. We were around other people, but he still gave me a hug. And when he gave me a hug he told me that he didn’t answer because he wanted to answer the email in person. He gave me his phone number. We were suppose to have lunch the next day. But that never happened. Instead we had a four hour text messaging conversation.
At the end of the conversation I sent a really long text message to them, explaining my depression and how a year previous they helped save my life by showing me that they cared. They didn’t answer my text.
So on the Wednesday before thanksgiving I sent them a text about how I was thankful for them being in my life. They responded confused.
Apple has this thing with texting now, where if you send a really long text message, they shorten it and add “…” about five lines in and a little arrow. He didn’t understand the arrow, and thought my message ended with the “…”
After they read the message they asked if we could have coffee, since I was in town for thanksgiving and we could actually talk.
We had coffee.
I suck at talking about the crap going on in my head. So he mostly talked. We talked for and hour and half. And I learned he has gone through similar shit. And it reassured me. I wasn’t alone. He was there for me. He knew how to help me.
He told me it was okay that I didn’t like my family. That it was okay that I want to move far away. He told me that it was okay. And that’s all I need right now. I just needed someone to tell me it was okay. And he did.
And now, I don’t know how to answer if someone asks me why I want to kill myself. Because he helped me figure out what I want in my life, and that it’s not hard to achieve, and that I can do it. Because I know I want to reach those goals in my life. But I can no longer can pinpoint a reason of wanting to kill myself. All the things I think of, I think of a way I can fix it or get away from it.
So why? Why do I want to kill myself? Why am I leaving these scars on my arms?
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3 comments
It’s crazy but I wanna thank you for sharing all that. That reminds me that I have people in my life that if I just reached out to them they would reassure me that it will all be okay. Your story reminds me that there’s good people willing to help when I feel so alone. So thank you
I wanted to know I read your heartfelt post. I have a theory about your puzzlement regarding suicide.
Thinking about suicide for so long was your identity. You have found healthy solutions in your life, which I applaud, no easy feat that. However, in the process you created this new identity but haven’t really used it.
Here is an analogy: If I can’t swim I identify myself as a non swimmer. I don’t go in the pool, or the lake, boat rides unnerve me and the idea of going rafting terrifies me. I want to learn to swim but I have no idea how to even begin, I don’t want to be a non swimmer but it is who I am.
One day I meet someone who is a scuba diver. He used to be a non swimmer but he took swimming lessons and after a lot of work now scuba dives on a regular basis. I want to be a swimmer, I watch him scuba dive and snorkel in crystal clear blue water and I desperately want this. So I ask him, please teach me to swim. It takes months but I finally learn to swim when he is with me. We swim for hours in the beautiful ocean, we snorkel together, I feel so safe diving into the beautiful blue ocean with him. We part ways, he has his life I have mine.
I go to the beach with friends and sit on the sand and watch them swim. It doesn’t occur to me that I am now a swimmer. He isn’t with me, so I don’t have that identity, I never put on the identity without him around.
Much like me sitting on the sand, so do you. Suicide is no longer your identity. But you haven’t put on your new identity because it hasn’t occurred to you yet to do so. New identities scare me, and I am thinking they scare you too. You worked hard for this new identity, and even though it isn’t comfortable like your old one, it still is you, however now you can swim. So stand up and to in the ocean with your friends and show them just how wonderful you swim.
Eventually the fixed reasons, the beginnings get muddled and lost in memory and the only thing left is the feeling itself. That’s how we lose control of our life – by forgetting. The incomplete circles go on accumulating.