Apparently I was already a member here, but I don’t remember joining. But I’m glad I re-found this site. I need a non-judgemental place to talk. I’ll try to keep it short. 😛
I’ve been severely depressed and suicidal for over 19 years now. I’ve had some periods of “ok-ness”, but nothing too exciting. Pretty much tried all the meds/med combos/ketamine infusion/ECT/different therapies/hospitalizations/residentials/etc. Had some random, minor attempts. And here I am today, still depressed as hell & just wanting to end it all.
My nephew killed himself almost 2 years ago. It was extremely heartbreaking and I’m still not even close to being over it. If anything, that showed me how much suicide can effect other people. 🙁 That was my biggest deterrent from killing myself, was the fear of hurting my family & friends.
But last night I had a deep conversation with my mom. The one I was most afraid to hurt. I think she finally gets it. I think she would understand it if I did finally kill myself. No doubt she’d be upset, but she would understand. This gives me some peace.
I’m not really an impulsive person (except maybe for SI, but even that I think about before I do it). This has been well thought out for a pretty long time now. I just really don’t want another 19+ years of this. I’m only living to keep others happy, not for myself. It’s been like that forever. I truly hate myself & I really don’t think anything will ever change that. I’m extremely lucky I have so many people that love & care for me, but nothing can overpower this self hatred and need to self destruct. I’m an evil person who only hurts others and it kills me when I do. I’d like to think I’m being rational in this decision. But who knows.
I’m in no immediate danger. There are some things I need to work out first. I just want peace and as hard as I’ve tried to get it here, it just never works out.
21 comments
i can relate, in the same boat, nothing ever changes
It never does. It drives me up the wall when people say “things will get better”. I’m like, oh yeah, when?? Almost 20 years since my first attempt & hospitalization…that’s just kind of a long time, no?
Please talk to me about your Ketamine infusion. I’m interested in trying it. I presume you did it in the last 1.5 years and I’m guessing you live on the east or west coast, or had to fly someplace to get it. There aren’t many doctors in the Southeast, where I am, that are willing to do it. Thanks!
Yes, I did it last year as part of a study on suicidal depression at NYSPI. I think the study may still be going on. I had a delayed reaction to it, but it did work…for a few months. Then it seemed to wear off.
Thanks for replying. Yes, I read it was probably an ongoing treatment thing.
I’m interested in it because the calmness and clarity patients describe is exactly the feelings I experienced in college the day after I would drop LSD. In fact, once I discovered this, the primary reason I continued to dose myself wasn’t for the spectacular entertainment value but the spiritual peace and perspective I would experience for 6 to 8 weeks after my trip.
I would have liked to keep it up but LSD is a bit hard on the system and too many things can go wrong when you are tripping.
There is a private psychiatrist that does it in Atlanta but he charges a non-reimbusable arm and leg. Luckily I’m in a good place right now. Maybe next year.
I new a perfect jenney once. She drooled alot and clubbed rabbits and chickens with her Barbie. Be proud of your imperfections!
@imperfect: if ketamine worked why not try it again?
The study was just a one time infusion, I wouldn’t know where to get it again. Plus, it’ll just wear off again and I’ll be in the same spot I have been. 🙁
ketamineadvocacynetwork.org
I should use that bookmark thing more often.
Also there is a URL for NY ket treatment. I guess it has become much more popular in the NE.
Permanent solutions would be nice but I’ll take temp relief. When I’m in super bad planning my suicide mode I’m incapable of thinking of anything else. It takes months before I can back out of that mental corner I’m stuck in. Occasionally I would like to smell flowers and play with kittens. I can always go back to planning my death later.
@seesmithI recently went to a seminar about treatment resistant depression. It wasn’t about ketamine specifically but some of the studies involved compared rTMS (Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) to ketamine and ECT. All three involved similar outcomes. Depending on the individual some measure of recovery happened. Like anything else though, it wasn’t permanent. I don’t think there is a lifetime fix for depression, however I think, much like being bi-polar, or diabetic, taking care of myself and going on medicine when needed, makes my life livable and occasionally joy filled.
Or you could try some LSD again and play with flowers and smell some kittens. No idea why but i think i read on ketamine around here, which is rare if it’s a new thing). I’ll give it a look (thanks for the tip). To the OP: I do hope you find the peace that you’re looking for (hopefully in life)… maybe looking up for that ketamine treatment wouldn’t be a bad thing. I mean, yup, you’d need to do it repeatedly, but at times periods of clearness are all we need to help us get out of bigger, worse spans of time.
@Mf: ketamine is really hard core. The seminar I went to recommended it only to those patients that were absolutely at the end of their rope. So yeah, we’re all here on a suicide site, so I’d say the majority of us qualify right?
@HDS: that’s why i’m surprised i read up on it before, and not on sp or the internet. But yeah… at this point trying everything isn’t a bad option i guess. That or LSD, lol (no, not really, since i don’t like the idea of doing trippy-recreational drugs).
MF: nobody will sell LSD to someone over 40 in the Southeast.
@SeeSmith: really? i have no idea how things work over there. Why is that? i mean, you always have the deepweb sellers but that’s risky. Over here it’s so easy as knowing a few people and just asking, but… yeah, south america, lol. That one stereotype is at least partially true, haha.
@seesmith: you’ve got to have at least ONE old hippy friend.
@seesmith Thank you for that link, will check it out. I really didn’t want to do anything to myself around the holidays, they’re already rough for my family. 🙁
Hazy, I had one hippy exGF in Berkeley, then 10 years ago she went full hasidic. She was my last counterculture contact. Everyone else I know is either boring or Amish.
I am so sorry to hear this. My life s quite similar to urs..but I haven tried any medication..now I am scared listening to what you said.I thought medication helps..so now I also have chance of not getting better at all with treatment..my life is dead end now..
Don’t worry I wish your life will experience new good things very soon…..
You never know though…I’ve known many people that have been helped with meds. If you haven’t tried any, what do you have to lose?
ya I kno..but in my place if I go to therapist ppl ll look at me as if I am insane.ppl don just understand.already I am not comfortable around ppl .n this could make it worse.
My life s so complicated not just with my head but also combined with society