.awkward

I have a huge crush on one guy from school for, like, forever now.. New country and new school was a rough start for me, but when I saw him for the first time, everything slowed down, my heart stopped and my brain freeze. His eyes are pale gray and when he looks at me I feel as if he is burning through my soul right out. It hurts my bones to see him, for a moment each time I see him I get a strange stabbing sensation all over my body. I am a pain addict in general, I don’t like self harm, but I mean any time I can get a new tattoo or pierce something, I do it, even if my old piercings grow in I push jewelery right through, and this feels good. I don’t know but I am so painfully awkward… He has the most adorable long curly hair I have ever seen, and he is tall and skinny. THis is my type of a guy.. I talked with him on the internet and so, but when I see him at school, he rarely smiles when he sees me and he never came up to me to say hello. I don’t do it, because I think he might look at me like on a freak and it would be awkward. He haven’t texted me for a week now, I feel sad because his band mate (yeah, he also has a band) is a freaky dude, but I enjoy being with him and we have a lot of things to talk about. It’s crushing me from the inside because I feel like I have a crush on a completely wrong person. Or the fact that my crush doesn’t like me back. It all is crushing me, I can’t stand it here, I can’t see him, I get small heart attacks and it just doesn’t go away. I’m tired, but I don’t want to change anything, because I don’t want to loose as much as I have of him (barely friends). BUT I DON’T CARE. I want him to hold me in his wither and sing me to sleep. I want him to be mine. I can’t stand him acting flirty with all the other sluts. I want his attention. Right now he is passing by me, not giving a damn, staring at his phone. I hate it when he moves near me, as if his movements crush the dense air and I’m feeling as if this god damn dense air is crushing my insides. Like a small needle is stuck in my throat when I see him it’s poking my lungs and it’s hard to sit still. I went on a concert two weeks ago, or maybe that was three weeks ago.. I don’t know, everyday is the same, but I accidentally ended up sitting three seat away from him because my friends invited to sit next to them, and BAM I sat and I saw what I did, he was there like an angel in a body of a mortal, not aware about me at all. All the time I was trying to look away but my head kept turning to his side, it was awkward and I left the concert after 15 minutes because I had a panic attack. I am having one right now, my eyes are full of tears and I am trying hard not to cry, but I do, my friend came over to comfort me. Do you know what happened? He just nodded to me with a huge cookie in his mouth and I panicked because I didn’t know what to do. Or maybe, maybe he want looking at me at all, maybe there was someone besides me and that’s why he paid attention… Fuck. If this will keep happening to me I will kill myself, I am killing myself right now, by being alive, because it hurts like hell. I rather be dead now, unborn, never created. I don’t understand anything.awkward