Stop Existing

I’m tired. Exhausted. My body wants to curl up into a fetal position and sleep for the next 2000 years.

Maybe life is better in 4016.

I you see, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to put my family through such sorrow and grieving. I love them all too much to chose to leave in sudden death. I don’t want to leave my mother wondering what she could have done better, or if she had said the right thing. I couldn’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve that.

But I want to leave. I never used to be all that religious, but recently something has changed for me. I lost someone close to my heart. At her funeral it hit me, love. God’s love, her love, warming me from heaven. I used to never consider such a place and a someone like a God, and I hate myself for being the person who starts preaching. All I have to say is that to think of the person I lost, as somewhere in a heaven with her husband, so overjoyed to be reunited, is comforting. To think that when it is my time to go, I will be there too. I guess in a sort of everlasting peace and joy.

Sorry- didn’t want to take a religious turn.

But the point is, I don’t want to die and leave destruction and sorrow in my family. I just want to stop existing. This doesn’t, make sense but I want to be in a better world, yet I want my family to feel no pain in my absence.

So what do I do? Sleep for 2000 years, run, die? Who knows. Not me. But I’m trying right now.

And yeah, I’m in one of the worst pits of depression and anxiety I have been in for a while…

I just hope it gets better.