Ever since i was a boy when my parents broke up. I felt somehow I was responsible for everything that happened.. Why would i blame myself? Simple because they broke up during my 10th Birthday.
When i was in high school I was doing great, not because i already forgave myself from what happened, because somehow my brain block all my childhood memories. I can’t remember a thing except for my memories with my bestfriend/cousin and the Uncle that serves as my father. Unfortunately, they passed away.
A daylight was introduced to me. She was my high school sweetheart. For a moment I thought everything will be okay. She was the reason why i woke up everyday. She thought me how to appreciate life, how to love my family, how to be happy. We dated for almost 7 years.
Last year, i broke up with her. I need to go abroad in order for me to support my Mom. Somehow i knew i was going to regret this decision but i keep on telling myself that “My Mom can sacrifice so much, why can’t I?”.
I guess i was always suffering from depression but now it’s worst that ever. Yes, i have friends, family but I can’t talk to them because they always have this look (poor you look). The last thing i want is pity from people. I tried everything to make myself happy (drink my ass off, smoke pot, etc) but nothing works. Sure it helps me forget about it temporarily. But isn’t that the problem? Everything is temporary except death. Every now and then i always wonder how should i kill myself. Every Time i try to do it I always chicken out. I don’t know how should I continue with this life of mine and maybe too scared to fine out.
4 comments
Are you two still talking? Are you able to contact her? Does she know the reasons behind your decisions? Hey, it wasn’t about being able to quit something that made you happy, your happiness is important, never sacrifice it again. I know your mother wants you to be happy. But not through pot or beer, that helps no one (well not emotionally and by themselves) but through a more tangible and lasting efforts. .. like through getting to solve your situation with your girl, maybe… idk
We still talk from now and then. I told her the reason behind my decision. I dont know, i think we are heading different paths. Why prolong the agony?
Then let her go if that’s what you feel must be. But then why are you this down? What is killing you?
I don’t know. Something is eating me up inside. I guess my issue with regard with my family. Celebrated Christmas, new year alone. Been having flashbacks being abused by my father