I Don’t Want To See A New Day

I can’t do anything. I’m a waste of space and a burden. No one cares and I’m always ignored. I hate how everyday I just get worse and worse and no one sees. But then again, apart of me doesn’t want anyone to know. I hate how I always contradict myself everytime. I want to be happy but then I feel like I don’t deserve it. I want to be more open with people, get help but then I don’t. I just can’t do anything. I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I almost can’t find happiness in anything and all I want to do is hide. I’m always afraid if going outside. I always have this feeling that someone’s watching me and it makes me feel like even alone I’m going to fuck up. I’m just a lost cause at this point. I’m so fucked up mentally that no one would want me. I can’t do anything because of my anxiety and I get lost in my head everyday because of my depression. I’m not pretty but I don’t want to be. I wish I was born a guy but I wasn’t and doing anything makes me hate myself more. I’m nowhere near the person I want to be. One step to being happy is to not be the first person to put yourselft down when you wake up but how do you do that when you hate everything about your own skin you’ve bee forced to live in? How do continue to keep going when all you can ever do is slow yourself down to a complete stop? I ask to much of people but really I don’t. I just want to be happy like everyone else but I can’t be the “right” gender. I want to find true love but I’m asexual and trans. I want to be successful but I’m too worried that in going to fuck up to even start. How can I be alive if I’m too fucked up to function? I can’t. I just can’t.i just feel so alone and during those times I cry myself to sleep all I want is someone to be there. To tell me it’s okay and that they won’t leave me alone like everyone else. That they’ll stay with me no matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or how I treat them. Cuz all I really want is someone to break down my walls that I’ve built up so high that I’ve blocked the sun. I want someone to see through my fake smiles and my disguise. I just want a reason to live because right now I don’t have any. I don’t have any reason, I don’t have any worth, I don’t have any meaning and I don’t have any light. I don’t want to be destined to walk a dark road forever. I want to feel loved and wanted. I want to feel happy and secure. But if I can’t have this, if I have to die alone then so be it. I’d rather be dead than be trapped in my mind any longer. I’d rather be dead than live this empty life cuz I don’t want to see a new day.