So I’m going to start off by saying hello and I will be cursing in this. I’m 19, I’m not going to say my name but you can call me LC. I have a three year old son. Yes, if you do the math right, I was 16 when I had him. He’s truly a blessing in my life and happens to have autism. If anyone here knows someone that has a child or does have a child or sibling with autism then you can understand how hard it is. I’m writing because I know I need help. I really want it, too. But I’ll go on to describe why I haven’t yet and what’s wrong with me- all that shit. I’m sorry but it’s basically going to be my life story and my issues and stuff like that. If it gets too boring or is too long then I apologize and you can just go read something else. Anyways, I don’t really know how to start everything off. But um, since I was 11 I have had depression, still do and even younger than that I’ve had anger issues, also still do. I basically know that I’ve had issues since I can remember. It all starts off to when I was a little girl. My mom and dad fought all the time, fighting in front of my sisters and I. They hit and beat each other, they didn’t give a shit that it was in front of us and would scar us forever. Who does that in front of very young children without thinking it could possibly fuck them up in the long run? Anyways, they finally got divorced and my mom went on to marry my step dad, which BTW they did the same thing. Hit and beat each other worse than my dad and mom. My mom had cancer and when they went to take out the infected area, it changed her hormones completely and my mom ended up becoming an alcoholic pill popper who has done really traumatic things in my life. I remember one time, I was around 8 or 9 and terribly sick, puking and stuff so I couldn’t go to school and my younger sister was crying because she didn’t want to go to school because I wouldn’t. So I’m puking, hugging the toilet and my sister is whining and my mom just yells, “I WISH I HAD A GUN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD I WOULD BLOW MY BRAINS OUT RIGHT HERE!” So being an impressionable young child, that has always bothered me. I will always remember it. Anyways, my mom until about 3 years ago has been verbally and physically abusive to us. I know countless times she’s slapped me in the face for nothing, beat us with paddles because we were young and rambunctious kids and always said things that really hurt deep. My dad also has his own issues. While my mom is no longer an alcoholic but is still on pills, my dad is a very, very hardcore alcoholic and on whatever types of drugs he could get I guess. I barely see him anymore. My dad use to be the one that raised us because my mom had issues now no one does. We just kind of grew up and figured things on our own. My grandparents raised us, basically. My grandma is the sweetest lady ever. My grandad, I love him and he’s passed away now but he was abusive. He had too many issues. He’s tried to hit us with extension cords and belt.. all kinds of things and my grandma never let him. Anyways. Fast forward some from my childhood. So at 13-15 I’ve attempted to kill myself 4 times. All pills and every single fucking time I puked it all up. I haven’t had a gun that I could actually use to shoot myself and I’m always afraid for someone to find me hanging, I feel like thats really not a way I’d like to be seen dead, not like it matters but still. I’m still battling very badly with depression and emotional problems. I know I think atleast once a day about killing myself. And please, don’t assume I don’t love my son because I want to kill myself. My son is the light of my life and is the only thing that has kept me here for so long and that is the God honest truth. My son and I have a close bond. His father and I aren’t together anymore, we use to be engaged but yeah. that didn’t work out. He’s still very active in my son’s life and is a great father. He gets him a week and I get him a week. We switch back and forth. I do have a boyfriend currently and I’m about to go on a long ass rant about him too. I’m a stay at home because I have extreme anxiety. Riding, driving, new people. Things like that scare me bad. So I’ll just give you a couple of examples. It’s so bad that I have only pumped my own gas 3 times in my life because I’m scared I will mess up or something will happen and have bought cigs also only three times ever. My boyfriend works a nightshift but when I say he does nothing, he literally does nothing but sit there. Most people there do nothing, so much as that they even smoke weed at the job. BTW, weed isn’t legal here lol. When he gets home he sleeps allllll day. He never helps me with my son. Before he and I got together, I told him about how my son is, that I will need help and I can’t do it alone and he promised us a great life that he would help as much as he could. It was all bullshit. I do everything by myself. I don’t even know the last time he changed his diaper. Yes he’s three and wears diapers still, it’s very hard to potty train a child with autism. We’re getting there though. Anyways. He gets up only two hours before it’s time to go to work, he eats and watches TV the whole time he’s awake. He chooses not to spend time with us. I tell him all of this and he even admits that sometimes he’s lazy and simply doesn’t feel like helping. I have cried his face about how overwhelmed and depressed I am and how I need help with my son and my emotions. He tells me he’ll change and he cares but he hasn’t. How can you claim to love someone but refuse to change even while that someone stare you in your face and cries. I can’t take much more.. But he’s not all to blame either. I hit him and call him names, I’m so mean to him.. I’m trying, I want to be better and be happy. But I’m so sad constantly. I think I have a type of bipolar disorder. I literally only feel sad or mad. And many, many times I can’t feel anything for people. Like I can’t love or don’t care about them or show emotion… My mom (we have sort of for the most part fixed our relationship) got in a wreck and I felt nothing. I wasn’t scared or sad? I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I want help but my anxiety is too bad to go and get it. What should I do?
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Welcome, LC.
I’m sorry for all the mess you’re going through, and also sorry that I can’t think of any advice to offer you. It sounds like you have a lot more strength and determination than I do, which is admirable. I probably wouldn’t have been able to survive the experiences you’ve lived through.
Glad you found our group here; even if we aren’t able to offer solutions, sometimes it can help just to write stuff down.
You mentioned having trouble feeling a wide range of emotions, and also some trouble with social anxiety. Is there a possibility your son could have inherited that?
Hi, thank you! And thank you for all the nice things you said, it really makes me feel better. And I’m not sure yet, I really hope not. So far he’s an average typical child just with the normal things children with autism do- super hyper, no speech, temper tantrums. Things of that sort.
Seriously tough life you’ve had.
It seems best to drop the boyfriend since he is unlikely to change. Also, it sounds like your son is witnessing you being mean to your boyfriend, including hitting him and calling him names. This seems to be repeating a pattern similar to what you witnessed with your mom and dad.
Since you and your mom have mostly fixed your relationship, is there a possibility of living with her and she could help with your son?
We never fight infront of him. I always make it clear that I’m not okay with that. He hasn’t seen us argue or fight. And I know my mom would let me but I hate it there.
That’s a good point, since children tend to repeat the patterns they see.
No matter my difficulties and problems in life, I always make sure my son has better and has a happy life.
My son is autistic. It is a real challenge. He can’t stand loud noises or chaos. It took years to get him enrolled in special ed. Routine is key. Stick to a routine, the routine that works for him alone. It can’t be your routine, it has to be his. It is really hard to follow through at times.
I hear you on the s/o not helping. Truthfully, he doesn’t seem worth your time.
Do you have a Dr. for your anxiety?
It really is a challenge sometimes. So far I have set him up in a routine that he seems to enjoy, he’s a very happy kiddo. And no I don’t, I have been to the doctors once and got medicine but since then I haven’t been, it’s been awhile.
I feel like your son is a very kind of a warm figure in your life. And its beautiful that you love him as much as you do. I know it must be hard to be suicidal when you care so much for him, and I am sorry it has to be like that. My advice: talk to him more, I mean I don’t know what level of autism he has, but as he is three you may as well tell him about you and he won’t understand the words, so you can make him your confident, it will make you both feel a little more calm. Explain to him what is going on and why and try to communicate him hope and strength, because I think it will help you get those two things, and you will have him as a stronger company that your mother ever was and than your boyfriend is.
About your bf, try to define what it is you want from him and see if what he is giving you is enough. You are the only one that can know it.
And don’t feel bad for not feeling anything about what happened to your mom, it is more than natural not to do it after all that happened before even if that now seems far away in time, because emotional scars last centuries to heal.
You are a strong woman… we all have our weaknesses, but as I see it, being a mom if one of your strengths.
Wow, thank you so much, Moneypenny for your very kind words! I actually teared up. You certainly have a way with your words. Thank you so much for your advice! You seem like a very kind and genuine person, never stop being you!
Idk, ^_^ you are very kind at saying that. Really… Thank you…. 🙂
Hugs
Hey LC
That was some story. Even though it was really tough, it was a good read. Do you write a lot?
I don’t have that much advice. It seems clear to me that you’re overwhelmed, which I don’t find surprising. You have a lot on your plate, have been through a lot, and don’t have much support, by the sounds of it.
I don’t know how much your bf smokes, but as far as I know, regular weed smokers just… unless they’re seriously good at controlling their habit… they become potheads. Their life starts to slip, and they don’t even notice it. I don’t know. I mean: working shifts is pretty unhealthy too and can fuck with your mind big time. So yeah, if your boyfriend could somehow get a more healthy lifestyle, it might make him a better partner to you too.
You mentioned your grandma, I’m think you definitely could do with more people like her in your life: people who have your back and your best interests at heart.
Because you’re really young, and you have a lot on your plate, as already mentioned.
Good luck and hugs