I don’t know if I’ll come out of it this time. I dip pretty low, but somehow I find my way out of the mire enough to catch a breath. But this time is different. I don’t have anything to motivate me…well, except my debt. Seriously, debt is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I guess if I decide not to kill myself, I’m afraid I’ll have ruined my life too much if I don’t pay my bills. Everything I do anymore is motivated by fear–not love or passion or even just a simple desire to do that thing. I want nothing out of this life. All I ever hope for is sleep, and that is rare these days. I either don’t have time or I can’t turn my brain off or I have terrible nightmares about the end of the world and shootings and car crashes. What do you do when that happens? When nothing matters anymore? I would end my life just for some rest if I could bring myself to hurt my parents. They’ve been through enough pain in this life, and I can’t take the thought of compounding that.
Does anyone else wonder if they were born to be a cautionary tale? Like, your existence really has no other point other than to show others what not to be. I don’t want to be that person, the infamous tale they tell at school assemblies to scare kids either into submission or into talking. But I really don’t think there’s much more that can be done to help me out of this. It’s like my heart has died, and it’s just waiting for my body to catch up. How do you revive a dead heart? Sometimes, I think it must be some wacky brain chemistry that’s screwing me over, because I really don’t feel in control of my emotions anymore. But who really cares. Nobody outside of this site understands, and unfortunately, the ones who don’t understand are the only ones I really “have.”
I thought writing might help, but it’s just made my mind all the more jumbled and confused.
4 comments
Nicole, you’re a beautiful soul. You’re not a cautionary tale, because you’ve done no wrong. You are suffering, that is not your fault. You didn’t choose this. We may make poor choices at times (not saying you did, how would I know?), but most of us don’t do it on purpose, it’s just that those choices seem like the best choice at the time and we’re maybe not thinking straight or overcome with emotion. It’s totally human. This book I’m reading about the neuroscience of depression (The Upward Spiral) is about exactly the sort of thing you’re experiencing: the downward spiral of depression where bad feelings lead to bad thoughts lead to maybe sub-optimal actions, lead to worse feelings, lead to worse thoughts, etc. It’s not your fault, it’s a terrible predicament. And I suddenly notice I’ve left out bad external influences. Pure bad luck. You seem like a pretty darn sensible and conscientious person, so I imagine you’ve had your share of bad luck to bring you to SP.
Anyway, I just want to say you’re beautiful, and there are people who will recognize it and you shouldn’t be ashamed of your suffering but ask for help, which takes a lot of courage, actually.
What can I do for you?
Hugs
Wow, I’m incredibly touched by your responses. Seriously, people who supposedly know and love me don’t respond so kindly. Thank you for being so generous to someone you don’t even know.
I realize that a lot of what’s going on inside of me is out of my control. I have a lot of responses that I think come from brain chemistry but also from things that I’ve experienced in the past. I love that you’re reading a book on neuroscience. I started college intending to be a neuroscientist, and I ended it wanting to get PhD in neuroscience…but money, le sigh. I think it would be awesome to study the neurological effects of music on the brain and in treatment of neurological and mental health disorders. Anyway,
I know some people who think highly of me. I guess I’m just afraid that they won’t anymore if they knew how dark it is in my head. But maybe that’s just the depression talking and trying to keep me from getting better.
What you can do is keep being yourself. You’re very kind, and I think you probably make a huge difference on this site.
My question is, how did you end up here? (only answer if you want, no pressure)
Sidenote: I almost ended with “Kisses” because of your “Hugs” thing, but I thought that’d be weird. But it also has a dual-meaning, because my last name is Kiss.
You did? Wow. My book is just for the general population, I mean it’s self-help, nothing fancy. But the science is legit, as far as I can tell. It’s not quite the same thing, but I would like to learn about neuroaesthetics. At least we live in a time where so much information is available for free online. Do you want to do music therapy? My ex introduced me to this song I really love. If you google “antenne black eyed dog”, I find that so soothing.
I know what you mean, it can alienate people. But it shouldn’t IMO. I mean, tbh I feel closer to people when they tell me stuff like that.
Thanks. I’m not always kind. Recently I was a royal a**hole. But I guess people are forgiving 🙂
I can’t quite remember. Was probably googling methods like I imagine many who stumble upon it are. Back then I was on antipsychotic medication and basically living an untenable life, taking zero responsibility, numb and a bit psychopathic because of it. I guess loneliness kept me here. It’s still why I come here. But at least now I’m in a somewhat better place. What about you? How’d you find it?
Nice 🙂 Do you wear face paint hardy ha ha? That is a pretty awesome name, honestly.
Kisses 🙂
I believe there’s an imaginary threshold or point at which the forces restraining you from ending it all will cease. You’ll need to have everything prepared, planned, and rehearsed for when that moment comes. Things will probably have to get hopelessly worse. But I think it really all depends on how strong you want to live vs how strong you want to die. If someone’s resolved and determined to do something, then they’ll find a way to bypass any obstacle in their way. For the time being, laziness, love of Chinese food and family are holding me back. For now…