I hate how in every lecture or tutorial or every other patient I interview in this rotation, I feel like I am seeing me all the time.
Are you a victim or a survivor?
A question a psychiatrist asked in a PTSD lecture. Are you talking to me?
If you really want to die, take TCAs. Another thing a psychiatrist said in a lecture on psychopharmacology. Jeez people, stop giving me ideas.
Another psychiatrist said, in a depressed patient, the moment you hear hopelessness and worthlessness, suicide risk bells should ring. Shut up already.
Borderline personality disorder. They cut to feel something other than the emptiness. The pain is better than feeling nothing at all.
Stop talking about me.
I have most, if not all the personality traits for BPD. My doctor is hesitant to label me as such.
I don’t like being around people.
Asociality. Negative symptoms. Psychotic features. They tell me this the moment I detach from a group and sit by myself. I get tired of their constant yapping and need to listen to the voices inside my head.
“Stop being alone. You will die alone. You don’t have to live alone.”
I fucking hate people. Leave me the hell alone.
“You need antipsychotics.”
Fuck you!
“You have Antisocial Personality Disorder.”
Okay? What makes you say that?
“You are a liar. Manipulative. You show no remorse or guilt. Very short tempered. You are extremely homicidal.”
I had nothing to say to this. I was really at a loss for words.
“Not the only personality disorder you have. Schizoid PD, Schizotypal, Paranoid and Dependent.”
Still nothing.
“You should do drugs.”
I laughed. Worst advice ever. But yeah.
“No… Find a boyfriend.”
Can’t. I get too attached and it becomes really hard to detach. Have issues with interpersonal relationships. So I stay away from them.
“See… BPD. You are also very emotionally unstable.”
Okay.
“Go to church and pray.”
Atheist.
“No, devil child.”
At this moment of our conversation, one stepped away at the mention of this part. Apparently, she didn’t want me rubbing off on her. I guess my fucked up-ness is contagious now.
“You are very interesting. I should take a psychiatric history from you. You would make a great portfolio case.”
Okay. You can go jump off a cliff now.
“You cut? You should get a tattoo over that.”
Not the reaction I expected.
I confided in this guy I trusted in a moment of a crisis. Thought he would understand. Boy was I wrong. I was so wrong.
All of a sudden, our topics of discussion are suicide methods. We are in class, and he starts making gestures on ways he can kill himself. FUCK YOU.
We are crossing the road, and the first thing that pops in his head is suicide ideation. GO FUCK YOURSELF ************.
This probably made no sense. But it’s been troubling me. Things people have been saying to me. They keep playing over and over in my head. Needed a way to let it out.
I have a presentation on Monday. Anxious as fuck. I have an exam on Tuesday. Hope I don’t screw up.
Also: Valentine’s Day: My boyfriend this… My girlfriend that… My wife… My husband this valentine. *****, shut the fuck up. I don’t give a flying fuck in the world.
And, tonight, the knife is on my throat again. Don’t disturb me. Might just plunge it in.
21 comments
I don’t know how you do it. It’s a whole new level for me. I know you have to, but believe me, I wouldn’t be able to deal with it no matter why.
But hey, so you did search for help, that’s a good thing, bad thing it wasn’t the correct person this time. Really bad thing.
Good luck on your presentation and in your exam.
You are really strong, don’t doubt it.
But why to go into psychiatry? Wouldn’t any other specialization be somehow a little more manageable?
Passing through it. We rotate through all specialties. I’m a generalist. Still not sure which specialist to go for. Psychiatry was on the list at some point. I’m placing it at the bottom now since it always gets me like this.
Just keep your eye on the prize, this rotation will be over soon.
2 more weeks and this shit is over.
Those people have no room to talk. Everyone in the field of psychiatry is all kinds of messed up.
Yep. I’ve witnessed their craziness as a student, collegue (I was one of them) and a patient.
I’ve always hated the question of whether someone considers themselves to be a victim or a survivor.
It implies the person has to pick one or the other.
I consider myself to be both, in equal amounts, and I am ok with that.
Denying either one would (in my opinion) be rejecting part of the truth.
Having been the recipient of injustice and tragedy and abuse, I AM a victim. I refuse to pretend it didn’t happen, or to minimize the badness in any way.
But, having worked my way through it and used those experiences to learn about the nature of humanity, I also consider myself a survivor.
Having said that, I wish you well, and good luck making it through the next 2 weeks. 🙂
One thoughless question: does studying medicine helps to get to know a better way of kil ling oneself?
It does. But, it’s things one can easily learn off the internet if they are that committed.
I just laughed a little at this, because, out of rage this other time, (a few days ago actually) I told someone that the reason I got into medicine was to learn of a better way to kill myself after a failed attempt. It’s partly the reason though. I have my other reasons why I got into this field.
Hope it wasn’t to that guy that annoyed you, and that you may have someone to talk to.
And hope next specialization on turn calls your attention for good. Two weeks go by faster than one thinks.
Thank you for answering ^_^
You know? As Iife spins, you are going to end up being an otorhinolaryngologist 🙂
Actually, it was to him. I was pissed and said whatever came to mind when I was giving him a piece of my mind.
Btw, this guy is the lollipop guy I told you about that other time. I fucking hate him now. No more lollipops for him. His loss.
I don’t have anyone to talk to except people here on SP. No friends. Oh well…
Ohhh bad thing it was the lollipop guy. To think you gave him so many lollipops :/
But sure it is his loss. But the good thing is that you now know it, so he doesn’t matter anymore and You can focus on other things.
You will have to look outside the medicine faculty, there is a whole bunch of other people in other faculties that may fit you better… who knows? ( mayne from social or human sciences)
Yep… I’m moving on. 🙂 I wasted my lollipops on this douche. But then again, I’m glad it happened now before I developed any deep feelings for him. He was just a friend. Possibly the only friend I had. I’m starting all over again.
Here, have a lollipop
Oh thanks. But MP, you don’t want to start a friendship with me with a lollipop. It might not pan out well… But then again, we are both on a suicide forum. Something in common. 🙂
You can’t know that, and I sure want to try at least, so if you ever need anything you can write to me. If it’s ok with you. One thing: I am older and for sure I am not wiser, so you decide.
I’ll take that lollipop then. 🙂 You helped me when I was going through a major crisis not so long ago. Who knows? I might drop you an email one of these days. I can feel myself heading for a very disastrous week.
words sometimes come at hand and I am glad to know they helped you. So i hope it means you did good last time and that you’ll do fine this week too. Thank you for sharing
and for accepting 🙂 🙂
Hugs