I’ve been living with my Fiancee for over two years now. Well, I guess I should say ex-Fiancee, even though it kills me to. We had a lot of problems, I won’t lie. In a way, our entire relationship has been building up to its own end.
In the beginning and for at least a year she had a serious jealousy issue. She cut me off from my friends and family and constantly accused me of not really wanting to be with her. She left me countless times just to turn around and take it back. I always let her.
When she eventually started getting better, for some reason I started doing all the awful things to her that she used to do to me. I became the controlling one. I’ve been getting jealous of her friends and throwing tantrums a lot. Earlier this week I broke up with her and then tried to take it back. To start with she agreed, but the next day she told me she wanted to stay broken up. Like, actually broken up this time.
I had a complete meltdown. I begged her to stay with me while I was sorting through my issues the same way that I did for her. She wouldn’t budge on it. She said that I should have left her back then, the way she’s doing now, for her sake as well as mine.
I don’t blame her for leaving me, I’m sure she’ll be happier and better off without me. She told me that she may want to try again one day, when and if I get better, and a big part of me really wants to try. But right now I’m a complete wreck, and she won’t give me room to heal.
She’s still living with me, still wearing her engagement ring, still calling me pet names. She tells me she still wants to marry me and have a baby with me one day. She gives me kisses on the cheek and forehead and tells me she loves me whenever she leaves the house or hangs up on the phone with me. We’re still sleeping naked in the same bed. But she keeps stressing to me that we’re not together. No actual kisses or cuddles or sex, no reason to run by each other what we’re going to do or where we’re going to be, no standing committment to each other right now.
She’s totally changed her appearance and demeanor. She doesn’t speak to me or look at me the same way. It’s like she changed into a completely different person overnight, which actually helps a little bit. But whenever I catch a glimpse of the old her I just want to break down. It’s like another her just swooped in and stole the her I love away from me and now she’s dangling her just out of my reach.
She says that even though she’d like to be with me again someday, she can’t promise that that day will ever come, and she can’t promise that she won’t end up falling for someone else in the meantime. She’s focussing even more time and effort on her friends than she was, and I’m still just as angry and jealous as I used to be. But it isn’t my place to tell her not to. It wasn’t my place to start with, I know it wasn’t.
She acts like she’s perfectly fine and happy, like it didn’t hurt her at all. I mean I want her to be happy, I do. But that dark part of me wants her to hurt just as badly as I am. I just can’t understand how she could let our relationship go so quickly and easily. She always told me that I was the love of her life, her everything, that she couldn’t see a life without me and that she couldn’t wait to marry me and spend forever with me. She was telling me these things just a few days before we split. I don’t understand how she could just give up on that in such a short timeframe.
What we had was chaotic, yes, but it was just as amazing. The lows were really low, but the highs were untouchable. We had so many plans for the future, and we always promised each other that no matter how bad things got we would always stay together and figure out how to fix it, because that’s how in love we were. She says that’s why she wants to live with me and be my best friend. She tells me she’s right here and not going anywhere, she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now.
She doesn’t understand how damaging it is for her to be so close but just out of my reach. I can’t stop crying and begging and asking her if she really still loves me, I can’t stop asking her how long she thinks it will take for her to want to try again, I can’t stop asking her if she’s going to get with someone else, I can’t stop asking her why she doesn’t want me anymore when she told me she always would.
She tells me that feelings change, that I’m not the person she fell in love with, that I pushed her away, but I just keep pestering her with the same questions and I can tell it’s getting on her nerves. I can’t stop though, I just can’t.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for a really long time and I’ve had suicidal thoughts on and off for most of my life, so it’s no surprise that I’m having them now. But they’re stronger than they’ve ever been.
I keep thinking that if I just go ahead and end it she won’t have to be bothered with all my whining and annoying questions and she can just move on with her life. Since she got over this so easily, she’ll be able to get past that too. Then she can have a good life without me dragging her down like I always do and neither of us will have to suffer.
I keep having fantasies about dressing up and killing myself while imagining our wedding. That way it’ll be the last thing I get to experience, even if it’s just in my head. I’m losing it. I’m barely holding on right now. I don’t know how long I can take living like this.
The last thing I asked her was if she’d be able to handle not having me in her life at all. She said that it would hurt her, but that if it was what I really wanted she would be able to do it. I’m a really messed up horrible person and her life and this world would be better off without me. At this point I see no reason not to.
I’m going to give it a few days to make sure I’m not going to want to change my mind. Again, I’m torn. Part of me hopes that I do and part of me hopes that I don’t. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.
7 comments
Im going though a similar thing in two minds about go and stay but I don’t think there is going back this time I’m a total wreck wouldn’t advise it but I started self harming as I couldn’t couple with the emotional pain try to loose that word hope it will driving u insane
A lot of that sounds so familiar. Run dude, run fast.
Seriously, the moment ANYONE starts dictating where you’re allowed to go, who you’re allowed to see, pull the E-Brake and pull it hard. I don’t care if they’re the sunshine of your life and all you need today. In 5 years, 10 years… Well, that shit doesn’t resolve itself. You’re not going to earn your rights from them. You think loneliness sign over your soul to a succubus
I think a greater lie than beauty meaning a good soul, is that we can be alone….everyone has aquantinces even if not friends who you can disembark to, whether they’d like to hear it or not 😉 and maybe you’ve got a pet or online buddies who you get home to, but alone no one is even if they feel they are in a crowd of people. Some just choose to be disengaged or are ostracized. I feel awed when people tell me they are over their ex, they found better or are” livin’ the single life…” etc; then 100% of them remark how they miss em, how they are still attached in some significant or insignificant way. Because it happens that you get used to someone….and that is a terrible mistake. You know how parents say “one day I’m gonna die, you know that right? So do well.” And we make em promise they’ll live forever to hold on to an illusion we want. Same with relationships in general but more exact marriage because it’s a promise unto death under every kind of circumstance to stay with your significant other, this is an unrealistic promise. An illusion we choose to believe, because we wish it was true. Maybe the saddest lie we ever believed was that we can love unconditionally, sometimes one mistake is enough to say goodbye, for some a toxic relationship is better than none. It is true babies can die from loneliness not b/c they were mistreated but emotionally neglected which animals also suffer and die from if away from their human counterparts. But we as adults have to not just “get over it” as we are told but to teach ourselves that we do not need to meltdown when we lose someone but pause and reflect and know ths t as an individual you can be happy with yourself. That’s why Buddhists are much happier because they steer away from attachments. Maybe if Adam didn’t feel lonely we wouldn’t even be here lol.
I’ve a story for you. Six years ago, I met a man who I came to care greatly about. For various reasons, we fell out in May 2014. A year later, he looked me in the eye and told me he would not mourn me if I killed myself. In October, he made a move that I believe he thought would drive me to suicide. Reading this makes me think very, very strongly of that. She is tearing you apart. She has to know it. You don’t deserve it. It’s hard to walk away. I know. Oh, gods, I know. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship before that guy, in fact (it’s been a crappy ten years until a few months ago). But the eventual healing is worth it. From what you’ve written, her emotionally manipulative self no longer is.
Only you can decide when you have had enough of a certain kind of treatment from someone. In my experience, if they are always making excuses not to commit and to be away from you and making excuses for behavior that is really out of line and not offering genuine apologies to you for your own sanity you need to let go. Not because you expected or wanted it to fail but because you realize you really deserve to be treated with love and respect and if you continually keep getting hurt then it’s not a good relationship it’s an abusive one. After awhile despite your best efforts to love them if they continue you may become bitter, angry, resentful… a completely different person that you never wanted to be. It will be harder for you to love and trust because of all the stuff that has happened. You can’t keep sacrificing your feelings, hopes, and dreams all the time for theirs.
I can understand where your coming from….I’ve done similar things….I got scared because this man seemed to good to be true..so loving so caring…so when we had big arguments I would leave..out of fear that ot was over because it was what I was used to in life…A big argument then a break up…So I would leave before he could tell me it was over….But, that’s not what happened not only did he chase me down the times I left…(which you would think is positive but wasn’t) because he wouldn’t just track me down…beg me to come home….when I would refuse..He would threaten our home threaten to put my things out side….he would threaten suicide…He would make hurtful accusations Ie: “I hope your having fun who ever your with” “I hope he’s better then me”…But the crazy part was..I wasn’t I was usually at my sister’s & emotionally upset…..Yet, in the next breathe he was proclaiming his love for me & how much he wanted me & begging me to come home…& now that its almost 2 yrs together & engaged now..He has kind of acted like I did…leaving him except he’s emotionally leaving me….& I feel like he wants me he loves me….but yet the bickering about the way I say something or ask something towards him & the quick snapping for no reason at me..makes me think part of him doesn’t want me & he’s just keeping me here for his own pleasures or selfish needs…Idk….But I do feel your pain & I’m in a tug of war with a man Who I think is in denial about being totally sure about if he wants me for life or not….