I miss you, part 2

She loved me. She loved that I was a doctor. She loved that I helped people. When she talked to her best friend about me, she gushed about how I was a kind, generous, caring person that l loved kids.

I loved her. I loved how full of life she was. I loved that she was always trying to better herself. When I told my friends about her, I told them she was perfect. Warm, sunny, gentle. The perfect girl for me.

We named our future kids. Picked out our future house. Chose our future dog. She wanted it all. I wanted it all. We both did, with each other. It didn’t matter that our age gap was so large. We loved each other.

I’m alone now. She abandoned our dreams together. She didn’t just take her own life, she took mine as well. “You have hundreds to replace me,” she said. As if I could find someone better than her. Maybe I could find someone “better.” But there’s no one more perfect.

I want to go to her. I can’t go back to my job; I couldn’t help her. I can’t even help myself. How do I help other people? I’ve been hospitalized three weeks, and taking medication. I keep seeing a therapist. I don’t feel better. I know my parents and brothers and family and friends would miss me. They’d be heartbroken I’m gone. They don’t want me to die. But I’m already dead. I want to see her again. I want to go to her and be with her. If she’s not anywhere at least I go to sleep and the pain ends.

I’m trying so hard to stand up again but it’s so hard. I took everything life had to throw at me. My ex fiancé walking out on me, my ex girlfriend abusing me, losing so many people, I always kept going. But this broke me. People tell me they need me, but I needed her. I can’t do this. Not without her. Not without us. I’m so sorry. God forgive me, I’m so sorry.