Checkmate

(Maybe this is an official “I’m back” post? We’ll see if my mind can keep on track. Good luck following my thoughts.)

I thought I was set for life because I had it planned out until retirement. Graduate high school, go to college and get my degree in accounting, get a job and earn promotions for the next 40 years of my life, retire and move to someplace beautiful and expensive, then wait to die. And I thought no more about it other than just a basic, simple, normal life. That was when I was in 9th grade when I made that plan. I have gone through my life up to (almost) age 21 so far based on 14 year old me’s life plans and just never changed/adjusted them.

I got my accounting degree, and a job in my field in the beginning of 2015 and I was like, damn, this is actually going to work. I held the job over a year, even though I was bullied and harassed by everyone I worked with and they made me almost kill myself a few times. I just got out (because it was basically prison) a month ago. I put a two weeks in, but the bullying got worse and I cried one night after I got home from work until a few hours before work started the next day. I was basically contemplating… Suicide? Or go into work? It was pretty fucking awful. But that day, I discovered more shit so I walked out in the middle of the day. As soon as I walked outside I felt like I could breathe again. It was glorious.

Anyway, I got my old job back at the factory. Everyone missed me and they’re all the greatest people. I enjoy going to work again, and I’m not entirely disappointed I woke up in the morning. I think I’m pretty much scarred to going back into another accounting/office position. I’ve noticed many people with more “fancy” jobs are arrogant and have the biggest sense of entitlement and are just a bunch of snooty bitches, forreal.

That job completely fucked me over though, in every god damn way it possibly could. I rent an apartment from my former boss, and it’s a piece of shit place that’s too expensive and he won’t put any repairs into it so it’s slowly becoming a giant pile of rubble I’m living inside for a large fee every month. So since January this year, I’ve been looking to buy myself a house, because I’m tired of renting and dumping my money into a place that would never be able to be profitable to me. So it’s just a huge waste of money. Anyway, the only loan I can do is a loan that doesn’t require any money down because I’m not able to save up money with my student loans, car loan, and rent payments plus other miscellaneous bills/unexpected expenses. The loan is an assistance loan to help people who aren’t able to save up 10-20% of how much the house they’re buying costs. I found the perfect home that required no work by me and was cheaper than my budget was. I wanted to make an offer on it, but thought I’d let my mortgage pre-approval lady know. Turns out I’m no longer eligible for the loan since I switched jobs. I have to be at a job for at least 6 months, and I’ve only been here a month. So I have to stay here.

I’ve been checkmated in life because I live in a world where details and other important things don’t matter, except money money money. I’ve run out of options for another move. I don’t know what to do/where to go next. I tried to always make sure I had a plan, and the next best thing, and another might-as-well-try-it or what-do-I-have-to-lose plan, but I’ve run out of options and things to work towards/look forward to because life has screwed me out of anything else. I’ve got nothing left. Is this the end?

Sorry if you read this pointless, tedious post.