I don’t want to die. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be fulfilled. But I don’t think I can be.
So instead, I’m this poisonous, negative force. Because I can’t be happy, I want everyone else to be unhappy as well. I want to drag them down to my level, so I don’t feel so jealous and inferior.
I think maybe it would be better if I was dead. I don’t think I have it in me to come to terms with how much I’ve fucked up my life. And I can’t see any way to really live a fulfilling life. And it’s just….sad, that the only way I can feel a bit better about everything is by thinking about other people being reduced to my level. I guess misery loves company.
It sounds childish and naive, but part of me wishes people like me didn’t exist. Then everyone could just be ok. Not perfect, but ok. You wouldn’t have a world where people were constantly putting each other down, trying to make themselves feel better about their own sense of inferiority. Competing for rank and status, money and power, to try and cover up their weaknesses. Imagine if everyone was just…nice, and at peace. There’d still be death, and illness, and horrific car accidents. But imagine a world where no one felt the need to be an asshole about things. Where everyone could fulfill their emotional needs, without having to get one over on somebody else.
Shit, I’m sure it’d be deathly boring. It just seems like such a pity. There’d be so much more happiness in the world if some of us weren’t trying to pass our pain onto others as a coping mechanism. Instead you have defective assholes like me absorbing all this negativity, failing to deal with it, and then trying to pass it off on others. Maybe something for our future robot overlords to consider.
12 comments
As one psychologist said few days ago, every single person is aggressive, everyone is “an asshole”, the only difference being what triggers who.
Plus many people don’t realize they are being assholes. I think those are the most dangerous, since you can’t control something you don’t know it exists.
I want to believe there is still hope for the humanity. Because otherwise… I can only hope those new robotic overlords will do better.
True, everyone can be aggressive, although I think it’s a question of degree. Some people (like me) just seem to absorb all this negativity, then fail to deal with it, and get twisted by it. Rather than releasing it in normal, socially acceptable little ways.
thehusk, Are you on CRACK? 🙂
“I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be fulfilled.”
That doesn’t describe anyone i know? everyone i know is like us on here or off, everyone has theirs moments but for the most part what your describing is a person that had an lobotomy.
“Because I can’t be happy, I want everyone else to be unhappy as well. I want to drag them down to my level, so I don’t feel so jealous and inferior.”
Oh gee! great thinking that will make things better ? 🙂
“But imagine a world where no one felt the need to be an asshole about things. Where everyone could fulfill their emotional needs, without having to get one over on somebody else.”
that’s in direct conflict with the “Because I can’t be happy” deal ?? make up your mind! 🙂
“negativity, failing to deal with it, and then trying to pass it off on others.”
Negativity only breeds more negativity.
I am only kidding with you, the whole world thinks as you do, Why are we constantly bombarded with bad news, because the masses of people like to hear it! it makes them feel better knowing other people are suffering or even have it worse, makes them feel better about their current rotten situation. and if the news sells like that guess what the majority of the people are not happy. so being normal is being unhappy.
i myself try to not go with the masses, listen to John Lennon’s “Imagine” although he was brutality murdered I believe he died happy knowing he was on the right side of the news.
I wish I was on crack. At least then I’d have an excuse.
thehusk: Well you haven’t lost your since of humor! 🙂 i want you to really look around you, really look at all these people you think are happy, look deep study them, you will find most are wearing mask, most people on here are normal they just dropped the mask.
I’m sorry, I just don’t think most people irl are suicidally depressed. Everyone has sadness, illness, loss, pain, fear, suffering. Many are unsatisfied much of the time. But I think most people also have fulfilling relationships, friendships, life goals etc. I think most people have real hope. And that probably applies to many on this site much of the time, when they’re not going through a difficult stage.
I don’t have any realistic hope of that for myself. Which means a lot of the time the only way I can make myself feel better is by imagining other people’s lives being ruined. Which is sad, and pathetic, and fucked up. But I can’t let go of it. And so I often feel like people like me (not those who aren’t 100% happy, not those who are depressed, not those who are on this site, but just the real assholes) should not exist. Because we just spread the misery around to people who otherwise might be totally fine. And even if I’m not ruining people’s lives personally, I’m one of those assholes.
thehusk, Ok i believe you, and i understand, but i don’t like you thinking like that though!!!! and that’s the problem! i want you to be fucking happy!!! when you do die i want the undertaker to charge an additional $100 to wipe that ridiculous smile off your face!
So i can only say you said “I don’t have any realistic hope” like it or not that means deep down there is hope, so pull your boots straps back up and try again, going through life the way you feel is not what you really want to do, throwing in the towel is easy, but doesn’t make you happy. So try again. 🙂 sorry but i’m not going to agree with you, that gets you nowhere.
I’m sure I will ‘try again’. I try most days. I just don’t get very far. Then I feel overwhelming despair. Then I give in to my negativity as a way of coping with it. Then I feel sad that it’s the only way I can cope, and think that the world would be better without people like me in it. And round and round I go.
thehusk, aw! that’s more like it! i felt the way you do and i reversed it, when you try you can’t help but make progress, ” small victories” be glad to have them as insignificant as they seem, it’s like money in the bank all of them small deposits start to add up, and the longer you try the better you feel and the light at the end of the tunnel will start to appear, your starting at the bottom it takes time to get there. have patients.
Thank you. It helps a little having someone else tell me that message (rather than constantly trying to remind myself of it.)
thehusk, i actually learned it the hard way, i finally got tired of failing and i threw in the towel on instant fixes, went against my better judgment that it was hopeless, WTF? It worked 🙂 i’m not perfect but i’m better and getting better all the time.
Hi i’m the same . Lol. I feel ashamed of myself and stopped being jealous. Than got my life into worse shit than this. I wish there could be magical solution for us.