I feel the same, I really think I’m intentionally or unintentionally kill myself while having a mental breakdown or something. I’m doing my best to keep a set date for when I’m gonna kill myself, but I always feel like I’m just gonna have another psychotic break and do it out of a strong urge or something.
I’m really sorry. And although I’m sad to hear that you have a date, I know that that is at least marginally preferable to offing yourself during a psychotic break.
There are so many things I’ve written at 2am the same way you did. Just little self-analyzing thoughts. And when I read them a few days later, they sound like complete bullshit. If it wasn’t my own writing, I wouldn’t recognize some of the thoughts as my own. Your brain is sabotaging you. It’s supposed to do the opposite, but sometimes you just have a moment. A breakdown. Don’t choose a date. Your life is so much more than a shitty date. Thoughts eat people alive. I know… I know it hurts.
I’m not setting a date, so don’t worry. I can’t set one. Because like I said, I’ll lose my nerve. If I get too much time to plan and think about it, I’ll find a reason to back out. Never fails.
I’m in the most danger while in a psychotic episode. The nature or duration of which I’ll never be able to predict or prepare for. I could kill myself on purpose or on accident.
I remember two episodes in particular when this came very close to happening: in the first, I believed with absolute conviction that I was trapped in a fake solipsistic universe that was the product of my own mind, and that I had to kill myself in that universe to get back home. Almost cut my throat that day.
Another time, I thought that there was a dangerous man inside my house who wasn’t in fact real. And I nearly dove out of a second-story window to get away from him.
And then there’s always those emotionally-charged incidents that sometimes put me in that “gotta die right now right now I gotta die now” modes. Like that incredibley close-call I had on here, either last month or the month before.
I think this is treatable only with meds. I know I might need some myself, but I don’t trust doctors. They’ve hurt me in the past, they will do it again if I give them the chance. I pretend everything’s ok and when I start losing my shit I sit in my bed and pray it will be all over soon. And usually until morning I’m ok. My “episodes” aren’t as bad as yours (I used the “” for that reason), but they get worse with years. One time I cried all day in bed because I thought it was the apocalypse. Waited for my death nearly 6 hours under the covers. Turned out my brain was fucking with me. It’s like a free bad trip.
Oh sht, man, that sucks. I used to think it was the Last Day as well sometimes, and once I even casually told my friend that it was the apocalypse (luckily she ignored me). For some reason, I always had those sorts of episodes on or near days that we had thunderstorms. Don’t know why. But yeah, anyway, I’m really sorry that that is happening to you. If it gets too much worse, you might also, unfortunately, have to see a doctor. I sincerely hope you don’t have to, though. I never want you or anyone to experience this craziness. My broken brain has stolen so much from me. And I’m very sorry about your experiences with doctors. I’d ask you what happened, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. As for me and my doctors, I’ve had good ones, I’ve had bad ones. Though, I give even my bad ones credit where it’s due: I’m not exactly an easy patient.
I’m currently on antidepressants, but I seem to be lethally allergic to antipsychotics. Go figure. Not that I’ve ever heard of a lunatic like myself ever actually recovering, antipsychotics or none. So what does it matter?
Yeah, no recovery. Just meds til the rest of your life… I’m really scared of shit like that… being dependent on meds or doctors. My mom has a friend with schizophrenia. She told me that after her friend got out of psych she behaved like a completely different person. Kind of like she went trough a lobotomy. They used shock therapy on her which is unimaginable… This was 15 years ago, I don’t know if they do stuff like that anymore there. But it’s really scary.
About the doctor stuff… I’ve been misdiagnosed many times in my life and paid for that with health issues or just lots of pain. One time I diagnosed myself correctly using an 8th grade bio book when my doctors couldn’t figure it out. Mom almost died because of misdiagnosis. Mind she had a pretty common condition. Health care here is really shitty. People are afraid for their lives and choose not to treat themselves when they have to, like me.
I’m really sorry to hear about your allergy… Like it wasn’t already enough. I hope you have the love and support you need. And if you don’t, I hope you find it.
I’ve heard of people becoming somewhat aware during psychosis, even while delusional. Your perception of events may seem rational but there is usually something out of place or something that doesn’t quite make sense when you think about it enough. That’s an easy way to question grasp upon reality, the mind is usually quick in dismissing these irregularities.
I generally base my thinking on evidence and try to avoid speculation so I’ve come to rely on information that I can unequivocally prove and open my mind to possible fallacy if there is doubt.
I’m not sure if this helps, each persons experiences can differ. Although the more relevant information the better, right?
Also, I thought I’d mention the link between dopamine levels and psychosis for select individuals. A lot of antidepressants and other drugs work on dopamine levels so that might be worth noting as a potential trigger.
I know I often question my grip upon reality and if I’m behaving the way society perceives to be normal. I think to myself, I am doing it right? is this how normal people do it?
In todays age mental illness is not something that should hold you back, there are many high profile and famous people that have some form where being out of touch from reality is present. They function well most of the time and have the support of close friends, family and sometimes even work colleagues when needed. Their support is important as they know you well and can inform you if they think that something is not right and can intervene to get you back up to speed as quickly as possible. Sure, there are assholes out there with no understanding but they are not the people that you want in your life anyway.
You know Whiskered fish, I understand this better than anyone realizes. That impulse, especially when the delusions get so bad that I’m fairly certain I will never come back. But I always seem to do. And I never know why. I just do.
I’m so glad at least someone understands. Those episodes strip me of all of my control. Make me feel so powerless.
It’s amazing how our realities can be turned completely upside-down by a kink in the meat computer. One day, I’m normal, and 2 + 2 = 4. The next day, I’m trapped in an alternate universe, and everybody around me is as sentient as a pillar of stone, or my neighbors are spying on me with hidden cameras and broadcasting my secrets all over the Internet, or Ive suddenly established a telepathic communication line with one of my classmates, or the color of the sky has been inexplicably changed and the entire world sans me is collaborating in a global conspiracy to deny that it had. Or any number of other bullshit things.
I hate my brain, and I hate me. But like you said, I always come back down from the insanity. And I don’t know why.
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I feel the same, I really think I’m intentionally or unintentionally kill myself while having a mental breakdown or something. I’m doing my best to keep a set date for when I’m gonna kill myself, but I always feel like I’m just gonna have another psychotic break and do it out of a strong urge or something.
I’m really sorry. And although I’m sad to hear that you have a date, I know that that is at least marginally preferable to offing yourself during a psychotic break.
Sending you my prayers, Hailee.
There are so many things I’ve written at 2am the same way you did. Just little self-analyzing thoughts. And when I read them a few days later, they sound like complete bullshit. If it wasn’t my own writing, I wouldn’t recognize some of the thoughts as my own. Your brain is sabotaging you. It’s supposed to do the opposite, but sometimes you just have a moment. A breakdown. Don’t choose a date. Your life is so much more than a shitty date. Thoughts eat people alive. I know… I know it hurts.
I like that. You are so right, all our lives are so much more than a shitty date. Amazing.
I’m not setting a date, so don’t worry. I can’t set one. Because like I said, I’ll lose my nerve. If I get too much time to plan and think about it, I’ll find a reason to back out. Never fails.
I’m in the most danger while in a psychotic episode. The nature or duration of which I’ll never be able to predict or prepare for. I could kill myself on purpose or on accident.
I remember two episodes in particular when this came very close to happening: in the first, I believed with absolute conviction that I was trapped in a fake solipsistic universe that was the product of my own mind, and that I had to kill myself in that universe to get back home. Almost cut my throat that day.
Another time, I thought that there was a dangerous man inside my house who wasn’t in fact real. And I nearly dove out of a second-story window to get away from him.
And then there’s always those emotionally-charged incidents that sometimes put me in that “gotta die right now right now I gotta die now” modes. Like that incredibley close-call I had on here, either last month or the month before.
I think this is treatable only with meds. I know I might need some myself, but I don’t trust doctors. They’ve hurt me in the past, they will do it again if I give them the chance. I pretend everything’s ok and when I start losing my shit I sit in my bed and pray it will be all over soon. And usually until morning I’m ok. My “episodes” aren’t as bad as yours (I used the “” for that reason), but they get worse with years. One time I cried all day in bed because I thought it was the apocalypse. Waited for my death nearly 6 hours under the covers. Turned out my brain was fucking with me. It’s like a free bad trip.
Oh sht, man, that sucks. I used to think it was the Last Day as well sometimes, and once I even casually told my friend that it was the apocalypse (luckily she ignored me). For some reason, I always had those sorts of episodes on or near days that we had thunderstorms. Don’t know why. But yeah, anyway, I’m really sorry that that is happening to you. If it gets too much worse, you might also, unfortunately, have to see a doctor. I sincerely hope you don’t have to, though. I never want you or anyone to experience this craziness. My broken brain has stolen so much from me. And I’m very sorry about your experiences with doctors. I’d ask you what happened, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. As for me and my doctors, I’ve had good ones, I’ve had bad ones. Though, I give even my bad ones credit where it’s due: I’m not exactly an easy patient.
I’m currently on antidepressants, but I seem to be lethally allergic to antipsychotics. Go figure. Not that I’ve ever heard of a lunatic like myself ever actually recovering, antipsychotics or none. So what does it matter?
Yeah, no recovery. Just meds til the rest of your life… I’m really scared of shit like that… being dependent on meds or doctors. My mom has a friend with schizophrenia. She told me that after her friend got out of psych she behaved like a completely different person. Kind of like she went trough a lobotomy. They used shock therapy on her which is unimaginable… This was 15 years ago, I don’t know if they do stuff like that anymore there. But it’s really scary.
About the doctor stuff… I’ve been misdiagnosed many times in my life and paid for that with health issues or just lots of pain. One time I diagnosed myself correctly using an 8th grade bio book when my doctors couldn’t figure it out. Mom almost died because of misdiagnosis. Mind she had a pretty common condition. Health care here is really shitty. People are afraid for their lives and choose not to treat themselves when they have to, like me.
I’m really sorry to hear about your allergy… Like it wasn’t already enough. I hope you have the love and support you need. And if you don’t, I hope you find it.
I’ve heard of people becoming somewhat aware during psychosis, even while delusional. Your perception of events may seem rational but there is usually something out of place or something that doesn’t quite make sense when you think about it enough. That’s an easy way to question grasp upon reality, the mind is usually quick in dismissing these irregularities.
I generally base my thinking on evidence and try to avoid speculation so I’ve come to rely on information that I can unequivocally prove and open my mind to possible fallacy if there is doubt.
I’m not sure if this helps, each persons experiences can differ. Although the more relevant information the better, right?
Also, I thought I’d mention the link between dopamine levels and psychosis for select individuals. A lot of antidepressants and other drugs work on dopamine levels so that might be worth noting as a potential trigger.
I know I often question my grip upon reality and if I’m behaving the way society perceives to be normal. I think to myself, I am doing it right? is this how normal people do it?
In todays age mental illness is not something that should hold you back, there are many high profile and famous people that have some form where being out of touch from reality is present. They function well most of the time and have the support of close friends, family and sometimes even work colleagues when needed. Their support is important as they know you well and can inform you if they think that something is not right and can intervene to get you back up to speed as quickly as possible. Sure, there are assholes out there with no understanding but they are not the people that you want in your life anyway.
You know Whiskered fish, I understand this better than anyone realizes. That impulse, especially when the delusions get so bad that I’m fairly certain I will never come back. But I always seem to do. And I never know why. I just do.
Hu.
I’m so glad at least someone understands. Those episodes strip me of all of my control. Make me feel so powerless.
It’s amazing how our realities can be turned completely upside-down by a kink in the meat computer. One day, I’m normal, and 2 + 2 = 4. The next day, I’m trapped in an alternate universe, and everybody around me is as sentient as a pillar of stone, or my neighbors are spying on me with hidden cameras and broadcasting my secrets all over the Internet, or Ive suddenly established a telepathic communication line with one of my classmates, or the color of the sky has been inexplicably changed and the entire world sans me is collaborating in a global conspiracy to deny that it had. Or any number of other bullshit things.
I hate my brain, and I hate me. But like you said, I always come back down from the insanity. And I don’t know why.
Yup. Totally understand. But you too could be a professional working in an office and living the dream!