Talking to my disease – Part I

Mood – Numb.

Conscienceless in thought – Extreme low.

Mental – Cognitive.

Physical – Certain areas of my back, neck, and face are screaming.

Emotional – Someone hold me and lie to me tell me it is going to be okay.

So I had an idea to write to my disease and see if it could respond. I want to know what it wants… I do not know.  I am 31 or 32 years old I do not even know without thinking and I currently can’t really do that for the fear it will make me worse off.  Get fired from every job I get because I have an “authority problem” or “do not fit in”, but it isn’t a problem they are not my authority will they not realize that?I know 5 people here that I love and that is enough for me borderline too much in quantity. I refuse to meet anyone new, I refuse to be in a relationship, I do not have sex with anyone anymore, I am boring, I am ambivalent, and I am already dead inside. I attempted suicide in 2008 via car. I was going 75 MPH into a bridge wall. I ‘woke’ up three months later from coma… titanium face and skull on the left side from a traumatic brain injury, no feeling on the left side on my face, skull and teeth, tracheotomy which left a nasty scar I have to see DAILY… The daily reminders that I failed are always going to be there. People ask and I cry inside.  Do you tell them the real truth about it. Some I do, but I have to be certain they will not use my failures against me. My father is the biggest though he died when I was 12 he was my hero I have his name to remind me. He loved me when no one else did… My mother and two sisters tell me they never wanted me still constantly, but my dad wanted me. I was suppose to go to my sisters wedding in today for a week I got uninvited yesterday for being depressed because according to my mother it “would be easier on them if I did not come”. I am seriously hated I want someone to fucking grab me and tell me I/it will be okay, but no one that knows me will read this. You know it is not okay already though why would I want someone to lie to my face? I decided to write it helped a little not much. The only reason I do not want to attempt again is I cannot fail again… I fail at everything.

Speak to me

… Okay, listen I understand both your moods I live with it daily. I am going to need to learn to control you again you are getting out of hand. Why do you want me to do things you know you cannot make me do anything I do not want? You will win eventually I know you will you grow stronger and know how to exploit me better each day. What I want to know is why? What is so wrong with me that I am completely controlled and put into a box by a fucking disorder? That makes you weaker than you are you cannot let him control you he is going to win if you do not fight. In a perfectly numb point in space at this point in time so I am not sure who is in control it changes so quickly it is hard to keep up. I do know both sides love the same people which is a plus and the only good thing about you. I know you would never hurt anyone except yourself. The thoughts though blood and evisceration if defiantly a thing with you. So tell me how do I put you to sleep before you put me to sleep? We need to have an open dialogue here. In different moods we are going to talk I have figured out a way… Typing messages to be read later when you are feeling different is brilliant I will be able to talk to myself without being viewed as odd! We used to do this remember I think we were a better team when that was happening. This detachment from everything is hard, but I cannot reattach to it again I will get crushed. I really do not think I would be able to handle many more confrontations telling me how horrible I am. Others tell me I am not horrible and I believe them… I suppose I am too late to help myself. You want me to be horrible so you can keep grasp on my mental and emotional stability. I understand you already won I am just taking my time and you are waiting for me. I really do not see anything changing in the future… for the better at least. I do have one problem with your thought though what about your friends that actually care? Would it matter at that point maybe that’s what keeps me alive and maybe that is why I do not go looking to meet people? The people that come into my life are amazing. You know why also they hurt also. Write a book about your life see how many would read it maybe to see if you are right or wrong. Is there a support system I can use without feeling like I am using them? I hate you. I love you though remember? How have survived without me keeping you safe, but still wanting to be in dangerous situations. Remember when I was in complete control of everything you did? I loved that I was emotionally, mentally, and physically tough/strong. What the fuck happened to you? I had to take over after that phase to keep you safe and alive. Did you really think you were a good person? Look at the lives you had in hand and failed, and lives you purposely took. You are even a disgrace to your family, I am all you have left! Love/hate me? It’s becoming that way it seems. You are looking at words and they are forming pictures before your eyes, but you do not know what the pictures are of. Unfortunate it could be the answer or maybe you are subconscious right now though, but awake! Alive…

For now, I suppose correction is not the issue. The issue becomes clear with time. It has been so much already is this still not reality? I do agree with you though you did not attempt in 2008 you succeeded you are not really living. This has all happened already! You are in the flash! I think that there are living around me I see it all. I stay to myself for that I will never give that up.  The living surround you to show you how life is for them. Soo fucking happy right… Why do you keep me from that? Because you do not need/want that. The great thing is that I am not a lonely person because I enjoy being alone as much as possible sometimes even having one person around me makes me crash. So let us get to it what choices do we have? The obvious is end it fuck it why bother… I do have love though if I have one feeling left I know that one I love a few people in the world still. Well we could always make them turn of you if that is stopping you. Sounds very easy, but it is not that simple even after I would not want to hurt them. Your family does NOT care !You got uninvited from your sister’s wedding for telling them you were depressed. I miss my dad he would never treat me this way. You still have not learned to not say anything to your family remember your teenage years? What happened every time? She sent you away for someone else to deal with! That made me smart to the world at a young age though so I do not think that was all bad. Military school was the worst TWO YEARS of getting fucked up by the entire senior class… You bleed, I told my mother she did not believe or listen to me. I just came home for the winter break and ran away and never went back. I could not I learned how to defend myself there. I never attacked anyone I have always defended. After my teenage years in rehabs, boarding schools, and military school. I became free or so I thought because I was 18 and legal. You took advantage of that and progressed look at you now. You are winning you are much stronger than I am.