Dear X:
My mom left me a message the other day on my phone, telling me to please call back, that she had “bad news.” Truth be told, my first instinct was that it was our 92-year-old grandmother and something happened to her. But when my mother told me that it was you, and you had killed yourself, I was shocked. It shook me to my core and made me incredibly sad. I still am.
I barely knew you, and for that I am truly sorry. Yes, there’s a 21-year age gap between us, you were born when I was in college. But I’m also sorry because your father, my uncle, and his twin brother, left such an indelible mark on me and my childhood. Your Dad and his twin would basically spoil the hell out of me, would do all sorts of fun stuff with me as a kid and take me wherever I wanted to go when I would visit. Just the fact that even though your Dad was so special to me, I never really took the time to get to know you. I feel so horrible about that.
Yes, I live 1,500 miles away, and much older than you. We were in different spheres. When you were a kid, I was just out of school and building a career and a life for myself. Then I got married, and then, like the cliché, “life got in the way.” Work, mortgage, laundry, yard work, friends. I never visited as much as I wanted to. I never friended you on Facebook, and I should have. I should have reached out to you in some capacity or another. Would it have made a difference? Who knows, but the fact is I should have made and effort, and I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that.
I looked on your Facebook page last night, and I have to say, you seemed like a cool guy. Some of your musical likes are some of my favorite bands! The Dead Milkmen. Jesus and the Mary Chain. De La Soul, Run DMC, Bad Brains… all some of my favorites. You were definitely into music. I feel like we could have connected with that, my husband too. Maybe that would have made a difference in how things turned out. Maybe not.
I hope that now you are at peace. I don’t know what you were struggling with to cause you so much pain that you felt the only way to relieve yourself was to take your own life. Trust me, I’ve been there, depression is a *****. Years ago, I was in the depths of it, and I never thought I would get solace from it. Somehow, I made it through. I hope you know that no matter what, If you reached out to me, I would have done everything in my power to help you. I’m so sorry you never knew that.
The pain that your parents, sibling, and our grandmother feel from your death will be immeasurable. They may blame themselves, they may blame you. There will be lots of sadness, heartbreak, guilt, shame and anger they will experience, probably for the rest of their lives. I don’t know how they will get through this, but you have a promise from me that I will do my best to be there for them.
The Buddhists have a saying, that “life is suffering.” That from the moment you are born until the moment you pass, you will suffer, that you basically begin to die from the moment you enter this world. That has stuck with me, but there’s also something else. I believe that life can also be Joyous. Even when I was in the depths of my own depression, I tried to remember the moments of Joy that I have experienced, both as a child and as an adult. Your Dad, he gave me a lot of joy as a child. I hope, that despite all of your pain, that you did have some Joy in your brief life. Yes, life is hard, but those moments of joy, laughter and togetherness CAN make up for the hard times, that’s something that I make a point to remember every day.
I’m so sorry I never knew you. I’m so sad that I never tried. I hope you are not suffering anymore, and that your soul will know peace.
Your cousin.
2 comments
Sad but true, nobody’s to blame, we all have to grow up and carry on with our lives, and he isn’t the only one that has felt they had to do that, we are all born to struggle, and born to die, if we can find a little enjoyment along the way were lucky. if it makes you feel any better he is in a much better place now, no more depression no more worries, we will all be their one day, time or length of time we were alive is meaningless once you have passed. but it can mean a lot more suffering while your alive if you don’t enjoy it.
Wow. One of the most heart felt thinga I
Have read in a long time. If there is an “after”, then ur cousin is reading this and feeling connected to u in a way only family can be connected.