April 24th 2016

I’m assuming she committed suicide-since you didn’t state it explicitly. People have their own reasons to go. I know it’s not an answer-but that’s the trouble with the human mind, we think there’s always a rational answer to everything and that if only you talked to her you might get her to change her mind.

Suicide for some is an easy decision-for others, it could take decades to arrive it. I learned early my life wasn’t so great and I didn’t want to live anymore-but I shelved the idea of suicide and brought it back out in some of my lowest points in my life. Truth is that I couldn’t go through with it out of fear of death and fear of botching it and of course not having an easy, guaranteed, safe and painless method. However I think people reach a point where they no longer fear the ‘what-ifs’ of suicide, they just go ahead with it.

Like you my mother is my rock and has helped me a lot and continues to do so till this day. Her life in many ways was worse than mine but she ruled out suicide because she was brainwashed as a Christian. I worry for her future but I prefer that she stays around for a long time. However there is a right time to go for everyone.

I’m only hanging in there because I feel things could turn around for me but I have no love for the world nor does the world love me and there’s not much keeping me here. The only reason I won’t end my life right away is because of my family-but one day if they fully lose value in my eyes and if I am not succeeding in life-I will say ‘fuck it’ and find a way to end it. I feel I’ve suffered enough and got very little joy out of it. While people are fucking their brains out, partying, enjoying life, I’ve been extremely lonely (romantically) and have just been struggling to make ends meet.

I also find that a few people distrust me-despite being the most loyal, reliable and dependable friend they have. Meanwhile they’ve stabbed me in the back and exposed things I expected would remain confidential. Not to mention that life is fucking hard even when you’re living it normally-being forced to go to work, deal with the shit there, then issues at home. If your job is not rewarding enough-it’s not worth it at all. Then you have to deal with conniving, devious, untrustworthy people or those who start shit with you for nothing because of their own crap.

Perhaps your mother simply reached her breaking point as some people do. Never blame yourself-I’m sure you were in her thoughts but she probably felt that she couldn’t go on with life. We’re all going to die one day, someone will lose you and me. We’ll lose other people before we’re gone-sadly that’s how life is. We lost some family pets over the years, one day you’re enjoying their company then a few years later they disappear.

I carry on because there’s a carrot on a stick driving me forward-this illusory belief that once I’m doing better financially I will get everything I missed out on while I was growing up poor. We’ll see what happens, I’ll have my answer later this year. Before I die I just want to know I did everything I wanted to do and I’ll feel contented. To pass away without experiencing things is just a waste of a life. Excuse me for carrying on, I guess it had my thinking about my situation also.