When I was younger I was almost never suicidal, but now it’s been getting so much worse for me. I’m not going to do anything bad to myself because I’m kind of scared of death and I’m more scared of hurting people I know, but that only makes this hurt worse. I really feel like I have absolutely no way out.
For a very long time I never truly wanted to die because I’ve had a romantic relationship since I was in my very early teens (I’m 19 now). This person has always given me support and made me look forward to the future, but for the past year or so things have been getting worse and worse. I still love them and desperately want to spend my life with them (they are my best friend and I feel more comfortable with them than anyone), but they are still hurting me. If you’re going to tell me to leave them– don’t. It is a very complicated situation and I have given this thought for months and I can’t leave and don’t really want to.
What I want is to just be understood and to stop hurting so much. I’m physically and mentally disabled and every day I’m filled with fear and anger and dread and fatigue. For months it has been feeling worse and worse like the good just does not outweigh the bad anymore. But I have nothing I can do about this. It’s hopeless. I feel like I’m going to be miserable until something else ends my life.
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I won’t tell you to leave them. I believe that it’s more often better for people to mend relationships than to end them. But I’m really concerned. You said that this person is hurting you. In what way are they hurting you?
Emotionally, nothing physical. He has a short temper.