Just another day

My parents would be devastated if I die. Nobody would see it coming, I’m supposed to be the funny one, the one that’s always laughing and carefree.
My dad would be angry at me, I can already imagine the look of disappointment on his face: ‘why didn’t she tell us? She had no reason to kill herself. We gave her everything she ever wanted, is this how she repays us?’.
My mum would cry all night and all day. She’d blame herself, ask herself where she went wrong. She used to be depressed when she was younger, maybe she’d go under again. She’d stop working all day. She’d go into my room and fold all my clothing from my cupboard, because that’s the only thing left she can do to look after me.
My sisters wouldn’t believe it. I haven’t seen my older one in months, I wonder how she’ll remember me? I didn’t want to die back then, my smile was genuine and I lied less. My little sister would think it was stupid of me to kill myself. She’d think I was weak and that I should’ve just said something. That I should’ve just gotten over it and did something productive.
They’d open my computer and do everything on my bucket list, go on the trips I’ve planned but never did. They’d cry when one of our childhood memories replayed itself. They eventually won’t remember what my face looks like, so they’d look for photos. At least this way they’d think of me how I was back then, when I was still happy.
And I can’t do that to my family, so I won’t kill myself. Because my parents and sisters deserve the best, and this seems like the only thing I can give them at the moment.
But I’ll continue to wake up terrified every morning about the things I have to do each day. I’ll debate whether I can skip classes, think about how I can postpone something for later although I know I’ll never end up doing it. I’ll think about how much I hate my life right now and I can see no way out, and I’ll continue to think about how I could kill myself, how I don’t care much about the world and future I’d be leaving behind. And I have to continue to draw that line when I’m alone at home, telling myself to wait, that everything will be okay someday and that I can’t kill myself today, if at least only for my family.