It’s been 36 days since my mom decided to take her own life.
I’ve been an extreme roller coaster of emotions. At first I felt like it was all a sick joke that someone was playing on me, that feeling turned into absolute utter shock. Then came the intense grief of knowing I would never see or speak to her again.
I cried for hours on top of hours, until my eyes hurt and we’re stinging to the point of hardly being able to open them. My mind raced around from being mad at her, to being upset that she was gone, to trying to understand the never “answer-able” questions of WHY? I felt abandoned, lost, confused, angry and eventually about two days into the chaos is when I started to just feel NUMB. I felt like I would never smile again….never laugh again….never find joy in the things I had always found it in before. I felt like my entire world had just caved in and there would never be someone to throw me a lifeline.
I still 36 days later, am caught up in the circle of emotions that go from upset feeling to angry feelings.
She will never be there when I have my first child. When I buy my first home. All the things I always took for granted that she’d be at, are now just a unattainable possibility.
I go from being upset at her, to hoping that she is finally in a place where she will no longer feel the pain of hurt or sadness.
It’s always been easy for me to try and comfort people in hard times by telling them that they need to keep their faith strong. That everything happens for a reason…. whether that reason is one we understand or not. But I sure can tell you that it’s easier said than done….. I know that the future will happen the way that God intends it to happen…with or without our “wants or input”. That doesn’t make coping with those plans any easier though. Keeping a strong faith in this time of hardship and heartache has been extremely difficult for me.
I honestly hate that ANYONE in the entire world…. even the criminals, the bad intentioned, and the hateful… would ever have to feel so much pain and so much hurt that they would have to take their own life just to have that pain or suffering finally end. I HATE that anyone ever had/has to feel that way.
This experience has completely changed my outlook on life. Things that used to be big issues to me, have now become trivial and little things have now become the important things. My actions towards others has changed as well. I try to put a little more understanding and compassion towards others now….
I just needed to vent for a bit. It’s nice to just be able to vent out loud about everything for a bit.
9 comments
Im sorry for ur loss. Ur mun must’ve been in alot of pain to do this. Dont even know what to say to u but, I hear u. Take care.
I appreciate that. Thank you
*hugs* I have no idea what to say, but I did want to let you know I have read both of your posts.
Thank you so much. It’s been tough and it felt a little better to vent it out some.
not good 🙂 that’s one of the worse things that can happen to someone, life isn’t fair, i guarantee you she is fine now, her depression is over now, her suffering is over now, she is OK now, we will join her one day, she hasn’t done anything that wouldn’t happen to the rest of us sooner or later, my mother is gone too, the real problem is you now, there is a lot to that problem, what your going through isn’t easy, but you have to do a few things to make it better for yourself, you are alive, and as long as you are, you need to continue to peruse your happiness. You need to be your own rock now.
That was suppose to be a frown please forgive my error.
So sorry for your loss, she did that because she was suffering, and you have to believe that she is in a better place (like you said) where there isn’t pain or sadness. And even tho she may be in that place, she will always be next to you too.
I guess there are no words that can confort you because losing a parent really hurts, but take your time and take care of yourself too, things will get better.
Thank you….it’s definitely been tough. It’s been extremely hard watching my Dad go from being ONE with someone to adjusting on how to be by himself. I go see him as often as I can especially more since this happened but he lives an hour and a half away and I hate that he’s by himself. He won’t move closer to me but my younger brother is currently living with him. It’s just been very very tough this last month.
Yeah its been tough. Trying to continue my happiness and persue my future has been causing me to feel almost guilty lately. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and it’s what she would want me to do but regardless the feeling is still in the back of my mind and heart.