This is a mess

Hi

I don’t really understand what all this is and what i’m doing here but this is all i have i guess

I’ll start this by saying my life is a quiet mess

I’m a 21 year old trans person (im agender, im not male or female) and I live with my shitty mom

now i’m not saying she’s shitty just because I don’t like her, she really is a cruel person. She’s left me in this weird limbo where i can’t tell what is and isn’t abuse anymore and she’s neglected me, mostly emotionally, that i don’t know what to do. She only knows I can like anyone regardless of gender so her bigotry isn’t as bad as it could be but it still fucks me up how much she refuses to accept that while pretending she still loves me all the same. She’s tried to destroy my moral so much on a regular basis (calling me selfish when i make only myself food even though i have dietary issues, telling me i’m a bad example whenever she can, etc) that i know she doesn’t like me. How can someone knowing trigger their kid knowing they have PTSD? How can someone leave their kids alone with a boy they don’t fully trust and expect the younger ones to protect the other one and then blame them all when the boy rapes someone? how can someone slap their kid around and force them to apologize and blame them for it happening? This is not something a mother should ever do to their kids. She’s been ignorant to her own kids getting abused and beat by other kids that we’re meant to be their new family. She left me alone with a boy I was too young to suspect and though she did suspect him, she left me alone anyway, allowing me to get raped and molested several times. She’s grabbed at us in different ways, sometimes private areas no one should touch without a need to or permission. We’re not exactly people to her, we belong to her. My body is not mine and never will be, it belongs to my mom and the trauma that people have left behind in me. This woman is a person but is also a monster and everyday I wish she would face her crimes. I don’t think the day will come that she ever will but my mind burns for it. My body wishes it could destroy her or destroy me, but I can’t allow that. Facing this woman each day is like opening up the wounds that my mind has made and i want to be done but i can’t. She doesn’t deserve the nice things she has in life after everything she’s done but, of course, I can’t decide or control that. I mostly just want to be done with her.

Right now all I can deal with is trying to handle being around her yet there is more I need to do. Theres so many things that are possiblites as to why my brain works like it does. OCD or OCPD? PTSD or CPTSD? APD? Social anxiety? some many things doctors have said could be possiblities. Yet its not as if all of this is from no where, Mental illness runs deep on my family and my own grandma had to receive electroshock therapy. Being sick isn’t new to use but the names and symptoms sometimes change. Its unavoidable that i need therapy and meds, I can’t leave the house or do anything anymore.

Yet I don’t fully want help.

I mostly want to die.

Theses are things im going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Maybe they can be manageable, maybe my life can be very livable. But why do it? The fight for peace is a long battle and I don’t want to do it. Why can’t I fuck myself up? Why can’t I pick and pick and pick until my skin bleeds? Why can’t I destroy myself when it gives me a short relief? Who gives a fuck about me? I don’t. I’ve already been shown enough that my life and body are worth nothing so why’s the effort worth it? So I can show the world I’m a good little crazy person? So they can deem me passable by their ableist standers? The only people who really can care and understand what’s happening to me are the other people like me. The people who can’t stand to not count, the people who see their traumas come to life with the simplest of actions, the people who can’t help but think they’re so fucking messed up. Other people can try to understand and do to a certain extent but it gets tiring trying to console them when they try to hard and end up hurting themselves. I’m tired of taking care of others but fucking hate myself too much to care for myself.

I’m not supposed to be acting like someone’s mom just because my own is fucked up.

I’m not supposed to be someones crutch to take and take from but never give back.

Parts of me are missing and i’m too tired to get them back.

I want to disappear but it’s not possible.

And if you think im just an angry crybaby then you’re right, but i’m allowed to be such.

I’m not going to die any times soon but the desire is still there at the back of my mind everyday, or the desire to beat the shit out of my mom.

Both are things I want but won’t get.

Sorry bout all this im just tired and angry