I am at my wits end in life. Normally I am able to pull through when things get tough but lately I am seriously considering killing myself. I understand that everyone goes through life drama but I don’t think I am strong enough to carry everything on my shoulders anymore. I am 18 and as of right now I feel alone. I was raped from the time I was 7 until I was 11 by my stepbrothers and their friends. I never said anything to anyone because (as a little girl) I believed what they told me .. That they would break up my family. I was bullied all through out middle school and moderately throughout high school. I started smoking weed to help me feel better and it worked, I was able to put all of my emotions behind me and act like nothing was wrong. Recently, well about a year ago, my family found out about my habit and life has not been the same. They began to stress me out because they were concerned.. But I was able to keep them at bay because I would lie to them. I told them the truth because I did not want to come off as a drug addict and lie about my usage. This made things worse. I have tried to hard to talk to people about my issue but everyone ignored me because of the strong face I have out on in front of society which made everyone think this was another problem I could handle on my own. I used to cut myself when I was in 10th grade – 11th grade and I had thoughts of suicide every day. I even tried to drink bleach. None of my attempts were effective enough to put me in the hospital because I was scared of being survallenced 24/7. I began to smoke heavier and I actually started to feel better and do well, I even got myself a full scholarship to school and was in the top 3% of my class. But I feel that I am severely depressed these days. My parents abandoned me when I was young and as a result I live with my grandmother. She was my rock. Even though she took me in on her own, I began to feel like a burden and still do. We have been fighting lately and she told me that I am a drug addict and she is embarrassed to have raised me. My family only cares about me when they can be there for the benefits that I have earned such as, free baseball and basketball games (in suites) and dinners at luxurious venues. Although I have accomplished more than an average 18 year old, I feel so lost and empty inside. I often talk to my boyfriend about my feelings and he believes it is my environment that is causing my depression, and I agree. But no one is grasping the fact that my WHOLE life, I knew everything was going to be ok because I could always depend on my grandmother, now she wants nothing to do with me because I smoke weed here and there. She thinks I am going to do crack or something – and no matter how many times I try to explain my situation to her she makes it clear that she does not see me as hers anymore and she is always quick to disown me by saying she’s done with me, and turning me over to my father, who once again ABANDONED ME! he lives in our house but is not apart of my every day life. The only time he says something to me is to ridicule me calling me stupid *****, slut, whore, junkie, crackhead, you name it .. I think I have a bright future but I can’t stand to look at myself or live anymore because I hate where I come from (my parents, my environment, and The way I am). I feel that if I kill myself, I will no longer have to feel this pain of being a burden. All i have done is try my best to be accepted by my family but I am never good enough. I just wanted to be appreciated and not ridiculed and criticized for every action I have done WRONG in my life. No one ever sees the good in me. I have one friend, and I feel that we are drifting apart and I can’t talk to her about what’s really going on because she is too busy with her own situations… I don’t know what to do anymore. Nobody knows what to say to me
2 comments
Have you thought about living on your own? Space away from your parents and grandmother can put you in a better place.
Yes and I got two jobs and planned to move out next year. The problem is, I have to still live under these conditions and I had to stop smoking, which means I have no coping mechanism… I’m not sure what would help.