Im currently sitting at the edge of my bed, shaking and holding back tears of grief, anger and sorrow that i dont want anyone to see me shedding.
This is my own little secret hell and no one can save me from it… not even myself. 23 years of constant hell that i cant take a break from because this is what life is supposed to be… right?…
“All i know is that we have to try. Thats what life is. We try. we push back against the darkness just a little…” – Superman
All ive ever done is push, hold back and fight against everything i feel and go through. The death of my mother,
the years of abuse by my step father, the constant, vicious cycle of emptiness… But thats what life is… And im growing tired…
faded into a pit of despair that i cant climb out of on my own anymore… Yet i dont have the courage to end this…
I trap myself in a bubble of imagination to keep the monsters under my bed away with dreams of things that will never come…
Ive seen death and life holding hands while at the edge of dying from an accidental drug overdoze that i wish had taken me away…
Ive pushed people away because of the fear i have of getting hurt more than i already have yet i let some in with the hope that maybe… just maybe…
one of them will see through the facade of fake smiles and shitty jokes… Hoping for someone to save me from myself… A false sense of hope that is…
I know… “Others have it worse… Others go through their own little hell”….
I know… But you telling me that makes me feel worse because Im the kind of person that cares about everyone more than myself…
Dont tell me to be selfish because thats like telling a dead man to wake up from its slumber…
Dont tell me to keep trying because everytime i try, i end up in the same place even worse than before…
tired… broken and worthless… I got nothing else to do but scream for help to people that refuse to listen…
1 comment
I read this and it took my breath away because so much of what you said spoke to me in ways you could never understand. I relate to a lot of what you have said and I am so very sorry that your life has been this much pain and heartache.
I used to feel very similar to you, at some points I still feel that way. I always thought that I wasn’t warranted in being depressed or upset about my situation. ‘other people have it worse’ was something that would run through my thoughts like clockwork.
But I want you to know that it isn’t being selfish when you cry for help and you feel the way you do. The way I see it other people may have it worse but your pain is the only pain you know. What you are hurting over is real. It is your reality. Never compare your pain and troubles to someone else’s and then decide that yours no longer matter, that they are insignificant compared to someone else’s problems. Your problems are your own and the way they are affecting you is important. You matter. Putting yourself first sometimes should never be considered selfish.
Having some hope is never a bad thing. It is what can pull you through the day. Good luck and take care.
Keep breathing.
~Ash