I used to be something

I used to be the kind of girl who could find beauty anywhere. No matter how pitiful, shitty or something was, I could name at least one positive thing about it. Truthfully, I sucked at communicating my feelings verbally (even now) but if you handed me a pen and some papers, or just some sort of writing tools, I could tell you how I feel, armed with metaphors and all. I was pretty darn optimistic and positive and pretty much the opposite of what I am now. I was the reserved kind of gal, with reserved feelings that were actually raging inside of me, the unemotionless face that would give you a glare with one wrong look, but was still, you know, stable.

I’m not sure what happened, because everything is blurry right now. And when I try to look ahead, everything just looks dark and and I can’t even see what’s in front of me. Living and breathing is so hard right now I can’t even imagine doing anything else. There comes this panic feeling that attacks out of nowhere and the only thing I can stomach is to avoid. Avoid reality, or whatever what reality really is. I am literally burying myself in my comfort zone, the most comfort wherever I can find, even though this place I call comfort doesn’t even come close to comfort.

It’s like a bottomless pit of nothing. If I go up any further I’ll get burned or hurt by others. If I dig a little deeper I’ll hurt myself. So I stay in this soulless place, where I can waste my time staring mindlessly at something and trying to find the energy to be able to say or think the words fine or okay.

Heyy, I just wrote those words. Oh, goals in life.

Fuck this life. The greatest fml. Goddamnit.