Hi all,
I posted here a little while ago and now I am still here, although I should not be.
It is all falling apart. Everything. In a matter of 6 months I have realized what a fool and what a loser I am. I could have had it all and now I am bound to lose it all. In a matter of 6 months I have completely destroyed my life by being stupid and impulsive. I cannot believe this.
I was completely unprepared for dealing with the monster that I had created over the past couple of years and when it hit me I panicked and made it 100 times worse. Hypothetical issues became real issues, hypothetical fear is now real fear.
Everything seems great on the outside. I have a well paying job, a lovely girlfriend, a home, I live in paradise. But I know it will all be gone soon. It is just a matter of time.
Somebody asked me last time if I am seeing a psychiatrist. The answer is that I was. He gave me pills which I took, but they made me lose my mind even more and made me do more stupid things. The meds said “Side effects may include thoughts of suicide”. How helpful is that? Now I stopped and, with a somewhat clear head, realize what I have done.
So there I was last week. All ready to go. Had my whole story straight, had my letters written, had everything ready, and drove off into the night. But then my girlfriend calls me in the middle of the night as I am sitting there and tells me that she is scared without me because she found a roach at the house. There I was, ready to go, and I could not do it because of a roach. How ******* ironic. Being ready to go is strangely empowering, but all I could think of was that I cannot go back to the life I live.
Now I am back at the life I lived. Fear, anxiety, craziness. I am so lost. Nothing seems real. I don’t know how to get out of this. Even if I try and face my issues, I am bound to lose it all. Dragging myself through the days like I am already dead. It is the worst feeling. I am almost catatonic. Too exhausted to do anything. Even suicide seems too much work. It is all empty. Unreal.
The only person I have left is my girlfriend who has been dealing with my craziness during the past months like an angel. But now I can feel her slipping away and she said things yesterday that made me pause and realize that I can’t be a burden on her any longer.
“I am a traveler, alone and afraid, of the world in my ignorance that I have made.”
6 comments
I can relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve reached that point too (it began a while back) where I felt I no longer fit inside my life. But instead of making proper moves to change it… I’ve mostly sat and procrastinated, and done self destructive things. I’ve tried leaving, but ended up letting my fears and anxiety hold me back. Now it all seems too hard to tackle. Although sometimes I have ‘good days’ where I feel solid enough to try, for the most part I’ve been playing the victim and acting all defeated.
Causing my own misery, stewing in it.
I hope you figure out what it is that you need/want for yourself, and just go after it. The longer you stay still the harder it gets to move
That is exactly where I am at. It is so hard to move. Instead, I just sit around and wait and wallow. It is the memories of the good times that keep me here and the ‘hope’ that everything can be the same again, although I pretty much know that it can’t. I have had those ‘good times’, too, where I was desperate and crying and just ready, but when I had the chance last week, I could not do it. I was all calm and collected and not afraid of anything, which was strangely empowering, as I said.
But it only lasted for a little while because you cannot change facts by changing your thoughts about them.
Now I am back where I don’t want to be, my head is empty, I feel guilty for causing my own downfall and dragging others into it. I am not even sad anymore. I just feel nothing, maybe defeated is the word. Yet I feel that, one day, I will regret not having taken the chance to leave when I had it. Sh*t.
” I have a well paying job, a lovely girlfriend, a home, I live in paradise.”
Is it fear that you ‘could’ lose all of this, lastattempt ? Is this what drives you to a feelings of despair ? Is this what’s causing you to have a breakdown ?
You sound like the total opposite of loser actually. Plus, you are quite clearly intelligent, it oozes from your post.
Hi Escalado,
thank you for the kind words. I know it sounds unreal, but I have made so many mistakes in the past years and now it seems like the chickens are coming home to roost. I cannot tell you what it is for many reasons, but it is a long story that started many years ago. Frankly, it is a wonder I am still here, but only now I know how lucky I had been for so long.
I say I am a fool because I wasn’t even really aware of what I had got myself into, but a few months ago I became fully aware and my entire world was turned upside down. I was unprepared to deal with it and acted impulsively to make matters worse.
I say I am a fool because I had it all and I had many chances to fix my mistakes, but I never took a step back to gain perspective and cherish what I had. Instead I continued to act stupid and impulsively.
I may sound smart on paper, but when it comes to the real world, I am an idiot, maybe an idiot savant, but it does not matter anymore at this point.
The Higher They Climb, the Farther They Fall.
Sounds as though we’re like peas in a pod you & me, lastattempt. We’ve self sabotaged on such a spectaclar level that all of our bridges burned down in the process. Being born with the impulse gene was always set to be our achilles heel.
Rock and a hard place, compadre.
Escalado,
tell me more. I am not the only one who has f*cked up royally? Why are you on this board?
Not sure if this will make you feel better, but I have spent quite some time in the past days reading ecclesiasticus from the new english bible, although I am not religious. I have laughed at people who are and told them it is all brainwashing, which it might be, but in the end, it teaches you principles to live by, which I have never been taught. Add the impulse gene and you get disaster.
Better to be a poor man with a pure heart than a rich man with secrets.
LA