I know you’re suffering, I’ve suffered too. For years, I couldn’t think about anything else other than how much I hated myself, how worthless I was and that I deserved to die. I spend a lot of time on the suicide project, even though I didn’t write very often. Now, since a little more than a year, I’m happy and I enjoy my life and I want to share with you how I got to that place because I think this could help someone on this board.
If you’re here, you probably thought about killing yourself to escape your suffering and I’m not trying to say that is wrong. It’s a valid choice and something I considered myself. I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t push myself over the edge. I could just look down, but not jump. But there is a way to kill your “self”, that doesn’t require any painful action.
You see, the thing that you call “I” is just imaginary. It’s not real. It’s something you made up based on what other people told you. It’s not who you are. All the pain, anxiety, suffering, and anger don’t belong to the real you.
What you really are is a kind and loving being. You are full of joy, happiness, and peace. The problem is that this true nature of you got buried under all the bullshit you’re going through. You were taught be your parents and your environment that you have to be a certain way, and you pretended so your parents would feed you and take care of you. At some point, that made up personality got a life on its own and now it’s running the show.
This made up personality, your false self, is responsible for all the shit you’re going through. It creates a problem and then blames others for it when in reality, every bad thing you experience is created by that false self. This false self can be and should be “killed”, but it will resist your efforts. It will try to convince you that you need it, that your life would fall apart without it, that’s why normal people almost never get to experience the joy and peace life has to offer. Your life, however, already has fallen apart and can’t really get worse, so you have nothing to lose. You can kill your false self without killing your true self. So for me, my depression was a gift. I couldn’t see it when I hated myself and my life, but now I’m glad I went through that experience.
After you destroyed your false self, you can live from your true self. It is full of love and confidence. When you live from it, you are happy and at peace, no matter what happens in your life. I love my life now and I can pursue my goals without worries about the future. I’m at peace and free to do whatever you want. Of course, I still have my moments of doubt, but they are further and further apart. It will take some time to make that transition, but my life has improved so much in less than a year. It’s much better than therapy and medication ever made it.
The first step in finding your true self is simply refusing to accept your false self any longer. The shitty things that you do aren’t really you. You wouldn’t do them if you had a choice, right? The part that wants to be good is your true self. It’s who you really are. All you have to do is acknowledge it and trust it. Then, over time, things will sort themselves out.
The next thing you can do is to get to know yourself without judgment. Study how you react to things without identifying with it. The part of you that’s observing is your true self and it is without judgment. It only loves. The part that you’re observing is your false self. It just is what it is. Don’t try to change it or condemn it. Just get to know it like a friend.
I know the purpose of the suicide project is to share your pain and most of you don’t want to read religious or spiritual nonsense, and I respect that. So I won’t keep posting on this topic unless people ask for it. If you want to know more anyway, I have some book recommendations you can try.
When the Chocolate Runs Out – Lama Thubten Yeshe
The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power – Vernon Howard
I wish all of you well with all my heart. May you find a way to escape your pain, whatever it is.
11 comments
Oh, wow, another old username I recall. Hey, I took a long break from here as well! Guess I’m just back for a different reason!
Wish your advice applied to me somehow, unfortunately what you describe does not really jive with my experience of depression (blaming others, hating myself). If I wore a fancy lab coat I might call mine “internal nihilistic depressive disorder, with a dollop of hopelessness and loneliness”.
However, I bet many can relate to what you describe. 🙂
Glad to hear you are doing better!
Hi cephalus, sorry to hear that you’re back for shitty reasons. I’m certain that this applies to everyone who doesn’t have severe brain damage, but I’ve learned over the past year that there is absolutely no point in trying to convince anyone of this. Some people are ready to hear this and some aren’t and that’s okay. I hope you find another way to deal with your difficulties.
Sometimes it helps to be reminded of such things. Reading this post made me feel something. Determination(?) hope(?)
Thank you for sharing.
Hi djarumblack, if this made you feel something, I really recommend you get one of those books. I’m not so good with words and those books explain everything so much better than I ever could. If you’re short on money you could maybe get them second hand somewhere. It would be a very good investment. You can read the first pages of the books on amazon.com and see if they are for you.
buddhist theory is beautiful. But is very hard to follow. Especially when ones feels weak, is very difficult to have the strength to follow all that stuff when you one is just sick of everything, tired and exausted, and you just can’t find the strength to reinvent your self.
The beautiful about this is that you don’t need any strength at all. What you need is courage. The courage to let go of your life and let it happen. And you need trust that there is something good inside of you, so you can let go and stop controlling yourself.
For someone who already has a bad life, this courage is easier to find because there’s less to lose.
I’ve started training as a life coach and I got this idea that I need to find clients as quickly as possible. That caused me a lot of stress and I started eating too much again and checked Facebook a lot instead of studying. When I read your comment and thought about it, I remembered that I don’t have to be successful and it will be okay if I never have a single client.
After this realization, I suddenly didn’t feel the desire to eat another pizza anymore, and I could concentrate on studying without interruptions.
It’s hard to believe that we achieve more by giving us permission to do nothing at all. But it’s true for the things we really want to do.
Before this realization, I tried to use willpower to stop eating and failed miserably. So allow yourself to be imperfect and you’ll be amazed to see how great you really are.
I’m sorry, I can understand what you say in an intellectual and logical level, but can’t feel a connection to it.
The irony of all is that I am Buddhist, in fact I can say that meditation practice and some teachings is what keeps me alive somehow. But I can tell you that Anxiety and Depression is a hell and an invisible jail, and some times you just want to quit, but fortunately everything is not permanent not even life.
Thank you for sharing this.
You’re welcome. If no one tells me that this is inappropriate I’ll share more in the future.
Unfortunately, I have no idea why some people are so moved by these teachings (It’s not just Buddhism. All major religions have this as their core message in one way or another) and others are not or even get angry when you tell them about it.
I guess I was lucky.
I hope you find another way to resolve your problems and overcome your anxiety and depression.
This was meant as a reply to Exultat, sorry.