Reality is setting in tonight. I’ve exhausted all of my options and pushed everyone away. My phone is shut off and outside of work, I have no means of contacting anyone. I’m falling apart and it’s dangerous for me to be alone. But I want to be alone. I don’t think I want to get better anymore. I just want to fall apart without anyone judging me or scolding me for not being strong enough. Someone to love me unconditionally. Someone who doesn’t belittle my problems and make me feel like less of a person for Feeling the way I do. I don’t know how to be alone.. I hate falling asleep and waking up alone. A warm body is all I need. Love is no longer an option because I am utterly incapable of loving myself. How could I ever love anyone else? Even the man I would’ve spent the rest of my life with. I couldn’t give him all of me because pieces of me have been left in too many places. Unobtainable. Never to be seen again. Every night is a victory. I never wanted to reach this point again, but I can almost taste the relief of a bitter end. Maybe that’s why I’m starting push everyone away. I don’t want anyone to know or care. I don’t want anyone to save me.
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Nobody will be able to save you. You can only save yourself, people can only support and guide you, but never do the saving for you. Try to find some love in yourself, and try to find those lost pieces of yourself. It’ll be hard, but it’s not impossible.
Hey Sammi. Yeah, being alone sucks, especially when you feel you’ve pushed away the only people who were left. (I know that feeling all too well.)
However, it is possible to keep going on. Do things for you, do what makes you happy… and when you feel better about yourself, almost like magic people will be drawn to you and will want to get to know you, and some of the friends you used to know will once again want to spend time in your company.
You can take charge of your own life, you can steer yourself in any direction you want. It’s nice to have support from others, but the most support you’ll ever need is your own belief in yourself.
^ This sounds like a self-help book, but it’s true, in my humble opinion.
Also, everyone changes over time. This is very normal. You haven’t ‘lost any pieces of who you are,’ you’ve simply evolved. Once again, if you want to ‘evolve’ in a way that benefits you and makes you feel good about yourself, then you also have that capability. It’s never too late to ‘start over’ and reinvent yourself. Remember that we can’t learn unless we experiment first.
I read your post sammi and was going to comment but I think nepheliad covered it really well here. I hope you find the strength to move on. You deserve some happiness.
There is no reason to give up on love. Even if you hate yourself it is still entirely possible for you to love someone else, and for them to love you. The problem is that it makes it very hard for you to accept love. You end up needing constant reassurance that they really do love you, because you see yourself as unlovable. It tends to make you clingy, needy, and obsessive. Since they have to keep trying to override that voice in your head that is constantly telling you all the reasons that no one could ever really love you. Even if it’s difficult for you to believe they love you it is still quite possible for that love to exist.
We tend to demonize the people we hate, and perceive everything about them through a very negative filter that makes them seem much worse than they are. Especially if it is ourselves that we hate. Conversely we tend to idealize the people we love and we end up seeing everything about them through the most favorable filter. Which creates a huge imbalance in the relationship where we think we are never good enough for them and we are constantly trying to redress that imbalance by doing anything we can to try to please people we care about.
So yea you might have a higher than normal need for emotional support and reassurance because of anxiety and negative self image. I bet you make up for it though by being far more giving and supportive than most people would be. So if anything if you find someone who accepts you how you are and can give you the support you need. You would probably have a much deeper relationship than most people experience because of how much you would be willing to give them in return.
I kind of lost track of what I was trying to say, add tends to make me ramble and lose focus and makes me leave the page every 2 minutes to look at 20 other things. Then when I come back I have no idea of what I was saying. So yea sorry if I didn’t make much sense. Oh yea. Relationships suck and take way too much effort. But don’t give up on love, if that is what you think you need to be happy it’s always still possible to find it.
That’s the thing. It isn’t necessarily ‘love’ that I want. I just want the anxiety and shit to go away. I just want to feel good enough to receive that love. Whether I find it or not isn’t as important to me as feeling like I deserve it
Yea that is more difficult. If you don’t like yourself you won’t believe you deserve anything good. In fact you believe you deserve the opposite. So it kind of requires a shift in self image. Your beliefs and perceptions about yourself would have to be more positive. Which definitely takes time. Our beliefs are always evolving as we learn and experience new things.
You need to be able to accept whatever good you can find though. whether you feel you deserve it or not. You need all the positive reinforcement you can get if your self image is ever going to change for the better. If you only ever accept what you think you deserve you will just drown in that negativity, since that is all you will ever let in.
Anxiety sucks, and sadly it doesn’t just go away, at least not without a better self image. Anxiety is all about expectations, and if your self image is extremely negative your expectations will also be mostly negative. If you see yourself as a failure, you expect to fail so your mind is going to constantly worry about all the possible ways that you might fail. That and constantly analyze past events trying to find ways you might have failed.
I can’t really say much about getting rid of anxiety. Since I have tons of anxiety that I can’t get rid of lol. Other than just you need positive results to build self confidence, Chang your expectations and convince yourself you are better than you thought. That all takes time though and being able to get the positive results to build on to be able to alter your perceptions.