So all my life I’ve been abused and isolated. I’ve always been mocked, belittled, verbally and even physically abused my whole life. Every time I leave the house someone has to say something to me, threaten me etc etc. I get it everywhere I go. I come to expect it because I can’t even walk to the nearest shop without being harassed. It’s always been this way. On top of that I’m a loner, never dated, never had a job, mostly housebound because of this constant never ending abuse from people I’ve never met in my life. Apparently I’ m just supposed to keep on taking it, keep letting people I’ve never met in my life put me down, target me everywhere I go. Everyone feels they can come up against me and start shit with me everywhere I go. I’ve never bullied or judged anyone in my entire life, but somehow everyone feels it’s OK to do that to me. So I was bullied and abused all my childhood, all my teenage years and it still goes on into my 20’s. So I’m left unable to achieve or have anything in life because of other people. Basically other people are allowed to walk all over me, sure I can give them abuse back but it’s not going to stop it. It’s the norm for me to leave the house for an hour and in that one hour have maybe 5 separate instances of dirty looks, sniggers, stares, comments, threats by people in teens to 20’s and sometimes older. It’s not that I’m very ugly, or particularly weird looking well atleast not to everyone. I’ve had quite a few girls randomly hit on me and compliment me, and they were very attractive. I never had the confidence to do anything in those moments though because I’m always taken by surprise. It’s probably the fact I look stressed, depressed, or maybe I do look ugly. I certainly seem to have victim stamped across my forehead though. I’ve never been treat equally, I’ve never been granted the most basic form of respect. I can’t go ANYWHERE without being targeted. It is very rare that I would ever leave to go somewhere and not attract the all familiar negative unwanted attention.
So it’s really not a stupid thing to me to feel the entire world is against me. I’m literally denied everything in life because people just can’t leave me alone or give me a fair chance. It leaves no option but suicide or murder. What is someone supposed to do in that situation? just keep taking abuse whilst dealing with isolation and a complete lack of any social connection for the rest of their life? it’s going that way and it is that way. There is really no answer to me to form any sort of friend or even acquaintance. Everything I ever tried to be part of I got the same treatment, treat like fucking garbage for no good reason.
So I’m left with a life of total social abstinence, devoid of any social communication or interaction with anyone else. I would like to see the people that abuse me both now and in the past put up with this life. They wouldn’t last a fucking week. I’m approaching 27 and this is still my life, because I’m denied everything in life. And then people want to look at me as a loser. Yeah a constant stream of never ending abuse would make you a fucking loser wouldn’t it? I’m the one seen as scum for having nothing in life, great irony isn’t it. Well I’m fucking done with people then. Everyone fucking hates me anyway. I have to deal with constant isolation which is pure hell year after year on top of the abuse. I was even mocked by my last therapist for never having a job. Mocked by the very and ONLY people that may have been able to offer some ‘advice’.
3 comments
I was in a somewhat similar situation for years. While I did have a few friends and engage in social behavior the way I looked and the way I behaved was seriously lacking compared to what is considered normal and working social behavior.
What kind of treats do you receive? Most likely the reason for being treated by people in this way is because they see you as a threat. If your clothing, looks and general behavior are too different from that of most people then people would be cautious towards you. And the most natural response is to threaten you (same reason as to why dogs bark). Most people are too closed in their mind and their believes, prejudices, problems, etc. for them to care about you or to try to understand you. So they choose the simplest and easiest solution (for them) – to be aggressive towards you.
While you may believe that the whole world is against you this is not true – it is just that people do not understand you. And you can never expect people to bother to understand you the same way you do not bother to understand them – you just complain about their behavior towards you without trying to find out what causes it. Surely the people you meet every day on the street or in the shop are not aggressive towards everyone – only towards a few people perhaps. Therefore, there must be something in your behavior that causes that.
I’m not saying you are a bad person – not at all. On the contrary – the very reason for your depression is that you are too kind/good of a person. However, you do not match social expectations for behavior and communication with other people which is why you get treated this way. People would never be able to understand how kind a person you are if they never engage socially with you. Once you resolve this you will see that while people can be much more responsive and caring and smile at you.
In my opinion the reason to why you do not fit in society is because you have been lied to and treated poorly from a very young age. I did a post about this based on my own experience and understanding – “Feeling depressed and not worth living? Then you have been lied to… (Part 1)” (http://suicideproject.org/2016/07/feeling-depressed-and-not-worth-living-then-you-have-been-lied-to-part-1/). Perhaps you can find some similarities to your case inside.
Let me know what you think about that. I guarantee you that if you improve you social behavior and looks (in case they are lacking as in my case) you will be able to live with others without this kind of issues and find job/friends/girlfriend/etc.
What a truly dreadful existence you’ve had thrown your way. It’s enough to drive a man to drink.
Let SP absorb you for now. Have you just recently joined ? If so, welcome aboard. You WON’T get abused here, and thats a fact.
Thanks both for the replies. I feel pathetic writing this but it’s how it’s been, I have no bad intentions towards anyone I just get very angry at times about things. Yes I am new to the site and thanks for the welcome.
A lot has been written in the replies which does make sense, I probably appear miserable outwardly or something but I’m too mentally exhausted to put on a face that I’m happy. To me I look normal and just focusing on wherever I’m going. After all I just mind my own business and don’t bother anyone. I’m aware that I am ugly from some angles and I have been bluntly told that a few times. There is still no good reason in my mind to warrant any of the responses I get. I’m just tired because I tell myself I won’t let it affect me but it just happens over and over and so it wears me down. I think people register some loner-vibe from me and it just gives them some fuel to want to attack, or I’m carrying the curse put on me from childhood bullying that never went away. At this point I’m just wondering how I’m supposed to change things but I’ve mostly just accepted it’s just how it’s going to be. I admit that I stopped trying as much as I could, but everything truly feels pointless when you’re on your own without any support. I realise I only have myself but my concentration now is terrible even though my mind is never relaxed and I also have depersonalisation quite intensely a lot with my mind total fog and confusion for the most part. Even small positive social interactions can make me feel a lot better though but obviously they don’t come often. I’m just wondering how I can better things and have people in my life but it seems impossible at this point, it’s even more mental strain to think of solutions because I see nothing. Support groups options are terrible and don’t help.