Hello i’m 15 as of April and entering my second year of highschool. For a long time now I just haven’t been finding anything interesting, amusing, meanwhile nothing can truly make me happy. I have great friends and people generally like me because of my humor, I attract a lot of attention from girls, even upperclassmen sometimes homosexual guys. My dad will do anything for me and I know this, I have siblings that I love. I was never abused mentally, physically, emotionally. I have a purebred puppy under a year old that sits with me whilst I do activities like play videogames. I’m not the smartest kid but i do my best, I get honor roll, and this year I got some academic awards. I play rugby and I’m good at it. I have bestfriends that I can rely on for most things, they can make me laugh and feel relief for brief moments. I am told to be good looking by girls, I used to have the most confidence someone my age could have, I still do somewhere but I can’t see to put effort into talking to girls/ making new friends. I am going to camp Sunday, it’s a 2 week long thing I did with my bestfriend last year on a beautiful lake with great people. I don’t want to go, I’d rather just sit in solitude for 2 weeks straight staring at a hole in the wall. I don’t express in any way that in depressed, I don’t take how I feel, out on myself like some do (cutting) I don’t act like such; sad, effortless but I continually make others laugh and try to keep a smile. I can’t convince myself anymore that I am happy and living a fulfilled life everyone thinks. I am so scared someone will see this I know on a personal level even with the chances slim, I don’t want to be scared of something so petty. I’m not looking for relief in death because you can’t actually feel the relief when death comes too. I just want to stop existing. I am not scared of this as my end or my end in general. my cousin commuted suicide two years ago as of next month, I saw what it does… If it was me causing the reactions, I would feel bad? Life is boring and meaningless to me as a grain of sand in the ocean. Therefore life is not worth living.
4 comments
Dude, you’re gonna hate this, but hormones are a mother fucker.
Just keep trying to make good choices.
Maybe you need to find something you can be passionate about? I’d recommend a hobby (not a girl). Are there any sorts of lessons you might like to take, like musical instruments, martial arts/other physical defense training, learning how to draw or paint… or studying astronomy and buying a telescope to look at the stars and planets… woodcarving and building things with your hands and physical tools – or where you have to use your brain, like coding for laptops, smartphones and apps, and websites? Or graphic design that’s used for video games? Et cetera.
Your school might offer extracurricular classes; if not, there might be community colleges nearby that will accept high school students in specialty after-school classes, or you might be able to find a private tutor/instructor.
Have you ever looked into buddhism?
Nice deductions from your life I assume you are seeing what the world really functions and how the average adult waste their life on things with no purpose. I remember myself at your age feeling frustrated with being the best student and getting the best in my life but after reality hit me at 16 I woke up and saw how all this is meaningless seeing how thousands of students from previous generations thought like me and the majority ended up in poor jobs which makes you think it’s more to how bad you want things and a lot of luck other than what society makes you believe.