Reflection

Hi everyone,

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted, which is probably a good sign. I have still been reading and lurking, but things have changed a lot for me, and I am no longer constantly filled with the anger and self hatred and suicidal impulses that drove me to post before.

What’s amazing is that the transcranial magnetic stimulation (or TMS) worked. It really worked! Wow! I still think of suicide now and then, but more of a passing curiosity, not the constant voice in your head that looks at every passing train and skyscraper and says “you should do it.” The TMS really stopped the constant suicidal thoughts, cured my severe major depressive disorder, which then opened up the door for therapy and the group addiction therapy and AA to really work.

I tried to get sober the end of May, lasted 8 days, then relapsed for 7 days. Then I was sober again and it’s now been 54 days. Thank God or the ultimate consciousness of the universe or nature or whatever you call your higher power for these 54 days. Before I was drinking, smoking weed, doing coke everyday. I was miserable and couldn’t stand being in my own skin. I was doing fentanyl recreationally (30x stronger than heroin, 1000x stronger than morphine). I was delusional and paranoid and having daily thoughts of suicide. I tried dying a few times but luckily it didn’t work. I was a failure at everything, even suicide.

I say luckily because life today sober (I haven’t been sober this long since I started using at age 14 or so – 10 years wasted but can’t change the past), which is really a new life, is better than I could ever imagine. My therapist downgraded my depression from severe MDD to moderate MDD. I’m actually able to enjoy things and remember them. I no longer want to die every second of every day. Of course, I still have issues with self hatred and confidence and anxiety and PTSD – the future scares the shit out of me and I still sometimes intellectually rationalize suicide (I’ve been depressed since I can remember, maybe 7 or 8 years old, so maybe the thought patterns ingrained in me, and it’s something I have to unlearn?), but things are better than I could ever dream of.

I guess the reason I’m posting this is because you guys all really helped me, especially HDS, through my worst, and I wanted to send out a hopeful message. That it really can get better. It’s a cliche but true. Sometimes life’s worth the wait. Because I was a down and out hopelessly morally corrupt drug addict and alcoholic who couldn’t hold a job and couldn’t stop trying to kill herself, and now, even though I’m unemployed at the moment, I’m moving out of my moms basement to live in Seattle and actually enjoying life for the first time. Things are better than I could ever dreamed. And I wouldn’t have believed it if you told me it was going to happen. So hang in there guys! Mental illness is a life long struggle, lord knows I know that, but it’s worth the fight. I hope you are all doing okay. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk. My email is my username at gmail . com. I’d love to help.

Love you all,
Whydoiwantto