Struggling to live another day

To start with, it has been a pleasure and joy posting and sharing with everyone on this board. If only I’d found this home years ago I might not be in the predicament I now face.

I had a difficult childhood that sounds all to familiar to so many stories here. I was hyper sensitive, shy, physically and emotionally abused, sevely lacking in self esteem, impulsive, addiction, compulsive, bullied and the list goes on.

When I reached my teenage years I got into drugs because I was in so much pain and was unable to talk to anyone about my problems and feelings. I was fearful of what people would think so I repressed everything deep inside of me. Thoughts of suicide started, thinking I’d be better off dead, that I wished I’d never been born. But I was afraid of killing myself so I became wreckless and suicidal. I hoped I’d die from some external force.

For fifteen years I carried on with this reckless behavior. I abused a lot of drugs, got in a car accident that almost killed me and left me with a severe concussion. I’ve had a few more concussions, both mild and major. I listened and attended a lot of loud concerts that left me with moderate to severe hearing loss.

For the last seven years I have been changing my life around, leaving the reckless lifestyle behind, get healthy and work on a career. I felt like things where looking up. Then three months ago I had a mental breakdown so severe I attempted suicide within a week after it started. Absolutely terrified, I went to my family doctor and got a referral for a therapist and psychiatrist.

Since the breakdown all the repressed memories from my life came flooding to the surface. It was too much to bear or make sense of and so I poured it all out to the therapist and psychiatrist. This has been very helpful and a huge relief. I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar 2 and put on a mood stabilizer. Suddenly all the problems I had growing up make sense.

The downside of this story is I am noticing my memory and thinking ability is terrible, I have insomnia and my hearing, along with the loud tinnitus (ringing) is hard to live with. I can’t watch TV, movies, read books, writing and conversation is a challenge, basically I don’t enjoy anything. I can barely do my job and walking a thin line to getting fired for poor work performance. I am a miserable zombie barely existing in this world.

The doctors tell me to be optimistic and have patience. With help and meds I’ll get better. Looking up the longterm effects of the drugs I used and concussions I sustained, my hope for the future is grim. Suicide is looking like a very strong option. I’m following the instructions my psychiatrist gives me and trying to be patient. But if things get worse and I loose my job, that may be it for me.

I’ve talked to a lot of people and professionals about what I’m going through and I’ve been receiving overwhelming support and help. Through this horrific breakdown I now feel loved and even found my faith in God. These new connections and feelings make it all the more difficult to decide if I should keep fighting or pack it in and looked for an exit from my torment.

Thank you all for reading my story. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know today I’m not going to kill myself. I enjoy being part of this community and using my experiences to help others.