Time flies

It does, literally.

I’m back here 2 years after the first time I logged onto this site.
In September it’ll have been 4 years since my brother killed himself. There’s no way of telling how it’ll hit me this year. Sometimes I don’t wanna move an inch and stay in bed all day and cry because I miss him so much it tears my soul apart, I can literally feel something so deep inside of me being torn to pieces. Sometimes I get up early and wanna do a hunderd things that day, as if that is the day he’s closest to me so I have to do fun things “with him” to make up for all the lost time. I don’t know what it’ll be this year.

I think the years passing make the loss worse. Five days after the ‘anniversary’ of his death (I hate that expression so much it’s unreal) I’ll turn 19. Jeez, only nineteen, already nineteen. I don’t know which to pick. Only maybe, because I’m barely an adult and yet I feel older than everyone in my surroundings. Life has already worn me out, it already has gotten the better of me. Or maybe already, because how can time still go this fast without my brother? Each moment of missing him lasts eternities, yet days fly buy like it’s nothing. In a blink of an eye, I might be 25 and still be living without him.

“Only” or “already”, doesn’t really matter. Things change. Other things stay the same.
Like him being gone. Like me missing him. And like me, his little sis, forever wishing he would still be here.