What if I’m done trying? What if I want to stop hurting, and want to stop hurting the people I care about? What if push away my loved ones so they can have an easier time when I’m gone? What if I don’t give a fuck how many people show up to my funeral, because my permanent pain is more important than their temporary pain? What if I can’t feel connection to anyone, because I can’t feel connection to myself? What if I’d rather my daughter grow up without me, knowing her mom killed herself, because I hate that I’ve taught her self hate and loathing, and I don’t want to teach her any further? What if everyone would indeed be better off without me fucking their lives up — they could hurt awhile and heal in ways I can’t? What if I choose to take the next few days to drive my partner away, so that he can resent me more than he loves me? What if I stop calling suicide hotlines? What if I stop pretending to be more put together than I am, or rather what if I continued to pretend so that nobody would suspect my wishes and try to stop me? What if I work in the fucking psych field, but know that recovery isn’t for me? What if I choose to stop caring about hope?
What if I just carry out my easy, no-take-backs plan that I’ve practiced many times with calm resolve? What if I decide to do it sooner rather than later? What if I’m fully ready to end this life?
2 comments
What if there might be a path of light for you, your daughter, and your partner to move forward together?
You listed a lot of possible ways to self-sabotage yourself and those around you. Maybe a different strategy could help everyone… including you.
Welcome to the site. I’m sorry things are rough at the moment.
Great question! “What if I work in the fucking psych field, but know that recovery isn’t for me?”
I have experienced a considerable degree of recovery and really wonder if recovery is for me.
Also, being in the psych field, I presume you recognize the limits of the therapies and wonder about the long term outcomes. I know I do.
I notice that most people, in the psych field or not, expressing great optimism for us suicides to respond positively to treatment . Given that minds are far more complex than our understanding of them, this optimism seems like arrogance from some and false hope from others. I hope you have time/energy to respond to this.