Today should’ve been their birthday.
I let off a balloon at the top of a very big hill we loved. Watched the stars beneath it one night – it was beautiful, but not as much as the soul sharing the experience with me…
Seven days have passed and it’s not getting easier. Constantly I’m being informed it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could’ve done – bullshit, but I digress. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But the honest truth is they would still be alive had I let them stay.
So much I had planned to do today, before all the drama, before all the heartache, before… the indescribable loss, of both a irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind person, and the colour in my life. Never before has the outside world looked so bleak and unappealing. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel this way.
I’ve already come to terms with the fact I don’t think I’ll reach thirty (don’t ever let anyone tell you only younger people/teenagers feel this way; I’m twenty-five), and with numerous ways of not hurting anyone else in the process.
I just – I don’t belong here.
The only people I would truly pain from being gone would be my family. Four people I would regret hurting, but I have a plan, too. Slip away slowly, silently, until they’re so used to my absence it won’t matter when it’s truly irreversible.
For now I must wait. Bide my time and do my very best to ensure everyone I love (and will leave) will be happy.
Elle… happy birthday babe, wherever you are.
4 comments
“It doesn’t get easier, it just gets different.” Hazy says that a lot..
that you get better at dealing as time goes on, the different becomes more familiar.
i wish i had something comforting to say, but i don’t.
What are you talking about?
Read their previous post.
Hey outfoxxing? Im sorry. Things happen. Mistakes we wish we could take back. Im not going to say its okay. Because you will definetely say bullshit. Things are not good. I know you miss her. I know. I know you blame yourself. Im not god i wont say who the blame goes to. But it happened. I just want you to know we are all here. Your online community and friends. We know pain. We know loss. We are here for you. To listen, to offer a kind word, to destract from the present. Just know that Elle loved you. I have no idea what was in the relationship but from what you describe it sounds like she loved you. I dont know what is after death. But i hope she is resting peacefully in a safe place. You take things slow okay? The pain is not going to go away. Every moment not sleeping will hurt. Just breathe my friend. If you decide to die that is your choice. I wont judge. I probably wont realize you passed away. If you do decide to die i hope you find Elle. If you decide to stay with us that would be nice too. I know we are not her. We wont fill that gap in your heart. But we are here for you. All of us.