I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to act… It’s a shamme my ex thinks I’m a sadistic bastard who gets off hurting her… When I am the type of person who forgets what they did yesterday and feels betrayal when said ex is angry for something I don’t even know is real or a dream.
Since I’m too weak to let go of the hope that maybe I can win her back now. I know I fucked up and gave half-assed attempts thinking I was ready but I’m fully-prepared now. If I can’t be forgiven than as a way of giving us both peace, I’ll end it on her birthday via webcam if possible. After all, if she truly hates me, she’ll be happy I definitely won’t bother her again. To be free of my true sin, I’ll end my Lust for her with a guaranteed method since I’m too weak to stay away.
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Zetsumei, I mean this in the gentlest way: I highly doubt that your ex, whether she hates you or not, will get any enjoyment or peace out of you killing yourself…let alone killing yourself in front of her…let alone killing yourself in front of her on her birthday.
I think she might like it. I mean I really don’t have the willpower to stop myself. At least getting a visual would confirm I’m not being a whiny ***** just to get her attention thinking I might kill myself. I guess in my twisted mind, scarrng her is better than her thinking I’m a drama queen. I wish fate killed me when I walked through several gang territories years ago…
Zetsumei, do you know Re:Zero ?
No spoilers, but there is this girl who likes this boy. She knows the boy is in love with someone else, but she still feels for him. Can’t love just be one-sided like in Re:Zero
Some don’t take words/actions of others seriously while some do. Find someone who has the same personality as you.
There are other ways you can bring peace to both.
Avoid her. You have to find peace within yourself first and don’t matter whether she forgives you or not, some people like to use guilt as a way of controlling you. (You can do your own research on this) Forgive yourself and learn from your lesson.
Lust is within you. Suicide will not help you get your lust and lust is programmed on most human beings. You can satisfy yourself by using the proper way, it is simple but not easy. I’m not an expert at helping you satisfy yourself but I’m sure someone in this world will help you get what you want.
And of course lets say you do carry out as you planned. You won’t be here to actually know whether you brought peace to her or not. And she’s your ex. Concentrate on your new gf. She’ll help you with your lust. All the best.
My lust isn’t just sexual… I lust to feel emotions. Even if they are what I pressume to be painful.
Life is filled with emotions. Happiness from achievement, happiness from loving/being loved, happiness after helping others.
Fear. Fear of new things. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being threathened.
Sad. Sadness after losing someone. Sadness for not living up to your expectations.
Of course people will have different emotions after facing different circumstances. Those are just mine. If your lust is for emotions, then life is the answer. Living itself will bring enough pain to your life. So enjoy your life. I wish you all the best.
So, the emotions I’m feeling are… sadness and hope. Sadness for my actions and sadness for taking far too long to figure out why I acted like I did. Hope for hoping she’ll read my thought-out explanation and give me another chance since I’m not blinded by anger anymore. I feel oddly content at the high possibility she’ll never forgive me and I’m okay with it. I don’t blame her since I can never erase my sin of hurting her, even if it was subconsciously.
Are you basing your decision on this ex? Do you not have other people in your life who may understand?Must curious I know it’s not an easy thing to do but I bet you don’t really want it to feel this way. You said she thinks your sadistic and gets off on hurting her (your words indicate that you aren’t like that) – you need to show her you aren’t like that so your plan wont really do that. Have you tried to explain your feelings or how it is for you? Because in the end it comes down to her understanding and the fact is she may not understand and that’s not your fault at all. Have you got anyone else in your life that you could turn to?
I would much rather you not do this though…. When is her birthday?