So this site is for talking stuff out? That’s real cool. I got on here because I feel like I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. See what I did there? Life alert. Haha. I’m so alone. I feel like a repellant. The few that can manage to love me I push away. Mostly because I’m paranoid, and I’m really good at blaming other people and then realizing later it was me all along. I haven’t actually tried to commit suicide yet. Dunno if that’s some sort of credential I’ve got to have to write here. I mean I’ve cut myself, if that helps, just with no intention of dying. It’s a free drug. I feel like I’m here because I spend day in and day out just dreaming about never having to wake up again. The cool thing is I have a nice big gun, so there’s no wake up call for me. It’s one and done, guaranteed or your money back. I guess I feel insane or something. I don’t even know if you’d call it depression at this point because half the time I’m really friggin happy, and the other half moving a limb seems like a day’s work. There’s no in between. I just don’t know why. I do have anxiety issues. I worry about everything… but I have an O.K. life. highlights and lowlights. Nothing terribly traumatic has happened to me. I’ve moved around a lot. Lost a lot of friends, been to a few too many funerals. I’m just a pessimist I guess. I feel best when I can just space out and not think. Or sleep. I just get caught up on the most stupid stuff. Maybe someone can tell me why I hate life so much if it hasn’t been so bad to me compared to others. I have no belief of anything what so ever, so I guess nothing is stopping me from assuming life is meaningless. I’m all lost. My material life is all set up and ready to go but emotionally I feel trashed. All the time. It’s contentment or death. Just gotta sit around and wonder when I’m going to have my big “fuck it” moment. And by sit I mean work my ass off. I do that a lot. It helps, for a little while.
4 comments
I think I know how you feel. I’ve never been a very popular person, so friends were far and few between,I’ve lost a couple good friends too,some more depressing to see leave for some other home than others. The ones I still have though barely even want to talk to me,hardly considering me a friend. You should always know one thing: never, ever, feel like like isn’t worth living,because there will am ays be someone that will want to talk to you,to be with you, to have you there for them. And most of all,there will always be someone,who will want to listen to you. Always.
Well yeah I get that, I know I can find someone to listen. I just feel trapped, ya know? Like my path is decided with no questions asked. Nothing really drives me (except anxiety, at the last minute). I really can’t find a reason I should live other than people would be sad. Which is unfortunate. But don’t most people have something else, other than just guilt, to keep them alive? Some people want to have babies and stuff. That’s not for me. Happy moments are nice but it’s just a temporary chemical reaction, which is all life is. Temporary chemical reactions. And then you desentigrate and are eventually forgotten. So why bother with all life’s bullshit?
I think you almost figured it out on you own. Why you hate your life, but it isn’t that bad compared to others. Like you said, “my material life is all set up and ready to go but emotionally I feel trashed”. There is more to life than just material things. A person needs to find “meaning”, and needs to foster emotional wellbeing. Find that one thing that can drive you.
welcome on SP