I don’t want to live. There is absolutely no point in it. No matter what I do, my parents will never be proud of me. I know that this is a shitty reason. It sounds shitty. It sounds like I’m over-exaggerating. It sounds like I don’t understand.
But the thing is, I do understand. My parents want the best for me, which is more than I should be able to ask for. But, I am a selfish and discontent human being. I want something to go my way. I’m not right. There’s something wrong with me. That’s probably just me trying to get attention. Ahahahahhaha funny, right?
I want to die. I want to die. I hate myself. I don’t even want to talk to myself, don’t want to address myself, don’t want to be me.
Existence is meaningless anyway. We don’t have any purpose, and any purpose is flawed and man-made. Why do we even try to pretend like we matter? I want to fucking rip myself apart. I want to swallow bleach. I want it to be painful. I want everything to kill me. I want to die.
Maybe my death could serve an earthly purpose. Maybe I could save my brother and sister from my parents’ brashness. Mom and Dad would realize that they have been way too harsh. Then they would stop and really appreciate my brother and sister. Maybe my brother would stop being as depressed if Mom and Dad showed more love to him.
I really love it when people say “don’t kill yourself; you’ve got your whole life ahead of you”. That’s half of the reason I want to die! I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am wasting away and I like it! Indon’t have any want to do anything with my life. The closest thing I have planned in regards to the future is to become an alcoholic, ruin my liver, and probably overdose on heroin. “Whole life ahead of me” my ass! I don’t want my life! I want to die! My only desire is to die! Why does no one understand this? Is this that difficult?
I hope I am murdered by a fucking sadist. I hope I am in pain and everyone sees it and laughs. I am beneath worthless. I want to die. I don’t want to live. I’m too much of a coward to live my life. I am a fucking coward.
I am a liar. My father always says, “If your word is no good, then you are no good.” I was never any good. I was never anything to anyone.
When I die, no one will really care, nd don’t you dare comment that ‘you care’ or some other bullshit along the same lines. You would never know if I were to live or die. No one ever cares about you in life when they can do something about it. They only care when death is mentioned. No one cares. Whether I live or die, it will make no real difference in your life.
I am going to end my ‘existence’. I want to die. Kill me. I want to die. Stop! Just everything, top! God, everything has gone to shit. There is no “light at the ens of the tunnel”. Maybe committing suicide is the real road to enlightment.
Maybe my “life” will mean something when I’m enlightened; but, until I get balls enough to do the right thing for everyone, I will be pretending like my existence has meaning and making everyone miserable, living in this perpetual cowardice as I slowly torture myself in this life.
2 comments
I can completely feel your pain… at the age of 6 i was sent to mental hospitals.. im 17 now and i have been hospitalized 22 times since than… but ive gotten better with the support of my friends.. my family tried but they couldnt help bc of there own mental problems… if i overcame my issues ik that u can.. ik idk u but i believe in u! everyone was put on this earth for a reason… if u end your life you will never know your purpose in life… please stay strong ! im here for u if u need me… it will get better… im not saying “use coping skills” like a therapist would say… bc trust me i have seen so many therapists that i hate when they say that.. but everyday find one thing u love or just one positive thing a day.. u will see things in a different light… i promise
I feel like you wrote exactly what I’ve been thinking for years. The ultimate reason I want to die is because I don’t want to face the so-called life. I don’t want to fight each day looking for things to be done and fix and find purpose and happiness or something. I know I’ll ruin life. That’s just me. I’ll find people that’s nice to me and I’ll ruin those relationships. I’ll get the job or something but I’ll definitely ruin those opportunities. Whatever good it is in life, I know for sure I’ll ruin. Maybe I also am attention-seeking.
I am not qualified to tell you how you should live your life because I also have been doing it wrong, but I want you to take a deep breath first. I heard this 3 days rule, in which you wait 3 days from the time you think of suicide to actually execute it. Please wait 3 days, and if you still feel the same I have no business to tell you anything. I just want you to know that by breathing at the time you wrote and posted this, you at least were doing me a favor, making me think about my situation and how I personally feel less alone and for that, I thank you so much.