Good things are inevitably sullied. By my own hands, no less. The gains I make, the good things I allow to materialize, they are always torn down by these clumsy, shaking hands that have no idea of how to properly handle the copious amounts of beautiful people and things that’re thrown my direction.
This isn’t merely bad luck. This phenomenon inevitably occurs because of an inherent flaw in my design. As other people are at least, decently equipped to mingle with others (even if they don’t know this yet or think so) and receive the good things that come their way, I am not. A short explanation is that I was just… wired differently. But the less truncated answer is that ever since I was a little boy, I’ve always been more enthralled with violence rather than relationships or tangible achievements. But nonetheless, as I developed into a teen and later an adult, I would start to crave more meaningful things like love and recognition. Throughout high school, I would use my anger and violent thoughts to stifle my recurring desires for intimacy and relationships because both of these things scared me. After all, I couldn’t fathom someone liking me and watching people interact with each other, seeing bonds form between them… It would be like seeing hieroglyphics for the first time. It was all so intimidating and hopeless. And for the most part, this fear still hasn’t left me.
I won’t get into my adulthood, but suffice to say that I eventually discovered the extent to which I am–by my nature–an unsavory person that would make the world a better place by perishing and would be more successful returning to nothingness. If not for the student loans that I’ll have to pay post-graduation, I would’ve picked today as the perfect day to depart. Of course, there will be more opportunities in the future.
2 comments
Hi nathan. I’ve read your posts before and I’m always struck by how familiar the things you write sound. I’d hire you to write the story of my life kinda thing you know?
Well, up to a point. After years of battling those demons I’ve more or less overcome them.
I would caution against identifying too strongly with this “wired wrong” theory. It’s a pernicious defense that leads only to bad things and often obscures root problems.
Have you ever read Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground? I recomend it.
Well… I know what those root causes are, but because it would’ve been too much to add here, I resorted to the shorthand of “wired wrong.”