So I don’t really know what to say but there’s so much going on inside that I don’t know if it needs to be let out. So yous can just ignore this.
Im so sick of being here. I literally spend most days in bed and i want to be out doing anything but I also don’t want to get out of bed. Contradictory I know. I don’t understand it myself. Sometimes there’s just lost and trapped inside and I’m just living for other people and it’s so exhausting but other times I just want to cry or find something or someone to fill the void.
This summer I even tried to tell my family and I didnt get to & it just didn’t work. My dad didn’t even let me speak as soon as he didn’t like what he heard and was just plain nasty when it wasn’t harming him. I just give up. Nothing I say or do will ever be right and I’m tired of trying to explain or ignore it and get on. I have this deep hatred inside for myself , being alive and here. I keep everything inside and every so often I’ll just burst and it’s the worst thing ever. there’s so much anger and I just feel lost.
My friends have there own lives and I barely get to see them anymore and if I’m honest I’d rather they were happy and enjoying themselves. It’s kinda nice to see. I don’t want to bring them down.
I just don’t get why I was put on this earth. I have nothing. I just want the thoughts and pain to stop and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so tired of everything. I can’t be bothered anymore.
6 comments
Yea its definitely possible to want contradictory things. Or even worse is to want the opposite of whichever you are currently experiencing. Like when you are laying in bed all day but all you really want to do is get up and go out and do something. Then when you do go out and do something all you want to do the whole time you are out is go home and go back to bed.
Living for other people doesn’t really work very well. You end up feeling angry and resentful towards them, because you are suffering just to keep from hurting their feelings. They don’t understand or appreciate the sacrifice you are making, by living for them.
Was just getting things off my chest so didn’t really expect anyone to comment or read it so thank you I appreciate it. I’m just unsure and lost more than usual at the minute. It’s all getting a bit much.
Also living for others has helped me get by for the last 6 or so years. The only thing is my anger is always at myself. It just ends up hitting them (unintentionally of course). Thanks again.
I definitely feel and can empathize with your feelings of worthlessness, but sometimes we need to tell ourselves why we think the thoughts we do, and why we believe them to be true. I don’t know if this helps, considering that I’m also suicidal but whatever.
Do you feel the contradiction occuring due to some anxiety, or just lack of…wanting to do anything or both? I get that, it’s both for me, sometimes one over the other. Glad you made it this far though, 6 years of that’s gotta be rough.
You posted my thoughts exactly. I don’t like being bothered with people, but at the same time I want to date again and have a social life someday. Still, I stay down because it’s easier than trying and risking rejection or my heart being trampled on once again.
It helps and is nice to know I’m not alone with this. Aloner3112 – I’ve tried to figure out why I feel this way but I just can’t think of any reason to feel like this because I haven’t had an awful upbringing or anything and I feel bad that I don’t have a reason yet I see other people struggle everyday.
Oathkeeper- I do have a lot of both, especially anxiety yet no reason to be. I’m okay with being here, I’m just taking it day by day. I tried to kill myself when I was 15 and it was so bad I never wanted to do it again, it made me realise that I never wanted to do that to my family and i kind of wanted to live for them. I’m more afraid to die that way now than to live.
Brokenandbent30 – it’s just hard to get out there again isn’t it? I’ve never really let myself get close to people because I’ve seen how awful they can be. It’s only now that i left school, I’ve worked and gone to uni that I’ve seen it can be different but now it’s difficult to meet people. But you know it would also be nice to have someone there. It’s hard but you have to decide whether it would be worth the risk and you never know what’s going to happen – that’s the problem.
Thanks for your replies, it’s nice that in a way people here listen (by reading) haha.
Hope you’re all doing okay!