Trying to find some light.

My therapist told me that that I’m tired of fighting because my life doesn’t seem to change. My efforts are useless.

Hi. You can call me M.

I just joined hoping to find some light in this dark, dark place my head is going through.

I just stopped reading about suicide methods. Even though I’m tempted, I believe that if I’m here, it means that I have a tiny desire to live…

Life hit me hard for the first time six year ago, when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. This brought pain, to me, like no other.

It randomly decides to wake up and f**k up my life. When that happens, I need to rush to the toilette every thirty minutes, with lots of pain and blood.

This also brought intimacy problems.

Then, life hit me for the second time one and a half years ago, when the first woman I ever loved decided to break up.

Thats when I got extremely depressed for the first time ever and started thinking about killing myself.

Never before have I thought about suicide.

Added to those, I regret about a lot. I sometimes wish to go back in time and do what I would do today: step up to those bullies, study more, be less sensitive, and much more.

I hate the way I am. It’s painfull.

I wake up every day, wishing to go back to bed were I can hide myself and lie to my brain with beautiful, perfect dreams.

As I write this, I’m in my bed, afraid of going out, tired of suffering every trip to the toilette. I haven’t had anything to drink or eat in the entire day

I guess that…the true reason I’m here is to find someone or someones with whom I can talk to.

I know the answer is not out there, on another country (I’m not from the USA or any other english speaking country), but I just don’t know where else to look for hope.

Slowly, my light is dying. I know that my life won’t end naturally.

I just… I’m desperate.