I’m a regular blogger and I’ve been on this site countless times. But I’ve never posted anything, so here it goes:
If anyone looked at me from the outside, they’d see nothing wrong. A typical girl who laughs a lot. Studious. Attains decent marks. I guess that’s like everyone. You never really see everything until you look a little closer. Because when you look a little closer it becomes obvious. Those faint lines on her wrist aren’t scratches but cut marks. The blood on her fingers is not accidental. Her quick inquiries about death and suicide are just a glimpse of what she thinks about on a regular basis.
I don’t know why my mood goes up and down so quickly. Yesterday I felt great. Today not so much. It was the first time in a week my mood hit this all time low. Before, my suicidal ideations had been simply that, ideations. But last week my mind started seriously considering it. I was planning and preparing, searching up funeral costs and bridges in the area. It lasted for three days before I snapped out of it and reverted to my normal mindset. Somehow today, things changed.
Today is my birthday. I’m supposed to be excited. My friends keep reminding me that birthdays should be a happy thing, but I’m not happy. Birthdays just remind me how alone I am. I wish I could go back in time to when I was a kid and naive. When I didn’t think so much about anything. I just felt, laughed, cried and then everything went back to normal each day. I could forget with a good night’s sleep. Not anymore. I go to sleep crying and wake up feeling heavy in my chest. I’m okay though. We’ll see, I’m going to give it a month. In the meantime, I’ll prepared a note.
3 comments
I think many people here would be able to understand and relate to what you wrote, myself included. It’s good that you have decided to give the matter time
I know you seem to dislike your birthday, but happy birthday nowyouseeme. It’s still important to hear, in a way. Maybe that people acknowledge your existence… I don’t know though… I hate mine too, feels so alone as you said..
You bring up scars on the wrist… you know I find it funny, not even when those scars are fresh and bright red does anyone notice. Not that I want them to… just too hot for long sleeves, been cooling down though lately, hopefully Fall kicks in fully soon.
Anyways…. hang in there, distract yourself.. try to have a better day.
~Oathkeeper
You should keep posting–youre an excellent writer. It might not only help you feel better, but other people here too. Youre good at explaining your feelings. It almost felt like i was reading that out of a book! And Happy Birthday as well!